This is Growing Up.
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2001-11-11 01:07:28 (UTC)


It's Saturday...
Last night, I spent the night at Ruby's and we talked about
"missed boats" or rather missed opportunities. I missed my
opportunity because I stopped acting like myself. Because
I'd freak out and not be brave.
I remember one night, he
came in my room with Matthew nice and plastered. He always
sat in the same corner in my room. He sat there looking
through my planner/address book while Matthew played on my
computer. I remember how mad he got when I had forgotten to
write his address and phone number in there. To make sure
I'd never forget it, he wrote it five times in different
spots in my planner. They are still there.....
SUNDAY (actually Monday morning)
He wears a dark blue beanie when it's cold. His light
blonde hair sticks out of the side and when he smiles, his
eyes turn up and that chunk of hair covers his left eye. I
went out for a walk awhile ago and I silently prayed to God
to give me the strength to get over him. Not necessarily
forget him (how I ever forget such a wonderful person) but
to rather make him a fond memory. At that moment I closed
my eyes to avoid a gust of dusty wind blowing in my face.
As I went to take another step, I stepped on something soft.
And there, at my feet, was a dark blue beanie...
Today, not only did I find out that Vanilla scented Glade
powder covers up tuna smells, but it also works wonders on
stinky feet. Especially those that have been in cheap
plastic sandals on a hot California day. Thank-You Glade.
After last nights encounter I woke up with the conviction
that I had to tell him. I'm only going to see him for
another week, I've got nothing to lose. I asked him to go
for a walk tonight at midnight (he has a study group from
10-12:00). I told him that I'd wait ten minutes in front of
the courtyard....
The half moon bathed the cluster of dark fuschia and yellow
colored roses in front of the courtyard. I waited for
fifteen minutes after midnight in front of those rose
bushes. As I turned to walk back inside the building, a
familiar whistle rang through air. He walked up to me...I
can remember what he was wearing: a pair of black doc
martins with silver buckles, dark navy blue jeans, a white
V-neck shirt, a dark blue hat and his silver and dark blue
"Hey, sorry I didn't come sooner. Kristi cornered me with a
bunch of questions..."
"I thought you weren't going to show"
"Nah, that's not my style..."
We walked and talked for about an hour. My heart beat about
three times...
We stopped in front of a sprinkler and watched it lather the
grass with water for a few minutes.
"Jack, I-"
"I cheated-" we said at the same time.
My heart beat once.
"You cheated?!" I said in the most controlled voice I could
possibly have.
"Yah, I cheated so that maybe she'd get the point that I
don't want to be with her anymore. I tried to break up with
her but she won't let me. She's blaming the other girl and
now she won't leave my side...."
My heart beated again.
"Well, why do you want to break up with her?" I said, trying
to contain the incredible amount "whatever" that was
building inside of me. I'm sure the chemical imbalance I
was having could destroy earth....
"I like this other girl.."
"The girl I cheated with. When I met her....I just
knew...." His voice drifted off and his face went into this
state of oblivious bliss. A dream land- a dream land that
didn't include me.
I knew what he was talking about when he described this "I
just knew" feeling. It's what philosophers call "meeting
your soul mate". Love. Ah, "Love is a tyrant sparing none"
according to Pierre Cornielle. It's spares none of a heart

Today is Saturday, Nov. 10 that's it, that's as much as I could confess of the week. The LOG of my 4 days.



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