eidolon

i must have died ...

~ the tale of a journey begun ~

Life without hope ...

i know it is hard to imagine...
Hard to comprehend how life could exist without hope ..
i know that this is one of those things that unless you have
experienced it for yourself ...
There is no way to realize that there are people out there that live
without hope ....
Without that light to guide them on ....
Existing ... surviving from day to day in a dim grey haze that
detaches them from anything and everyone ....
Those people that for whatever reason, cannot end their life for
themselves and so simply wait ...
Finding barely interesting activities to fill their empty lives with
as they bide their time for death to come ...
Positive that with death will come relief of the heavy weight life
without hope is ...
Without hope there is no love .... only loyalty and fondness ... or
dependency and need ...
There is nothing to look forward to ... except the end of the
waiting ...
There is no fear ... not of death nor being hurt ....
That grey haze keeps these things at bay ...
No enthusiasm ... no sunlight ....
Instead there is just the silent patience of waiting for things to be
over and done ...
Waiting for the relief of no longer existing ....
i have lived this way for a very long time ....
i have existed in that haze for as long as i can remember .... a
decade or more to be sure ...

i am so grateful that your heart was searching ...
That you never gave up hope and continued to believe there was
someone out there ...
Someone who could make you feel complete ...

i am so grateful that you were looking up and spotted me ...
That you did more than watch when you spotted the special person you
were looking for ....

i am so grateful that you reached for me ...
That you took the chance, the challenge, to tell me of your
feelings ...

Because my hope was gone and my gaze was trained upon the ground ...
It had been extinguished like a long dead candle years earlier ...
And my thoughts had retired to internal speculation as i waited ...
and existed ....
It was your bravery that pulled my gaze from the floor to meet
yours ...
And it was your honesty that caught my attention ...
It was your soul that stirred my heart ...
And it was your love - so unique in its understanding .. it's
acceptance .. it's perfection - that created the spark ...
A spark i didn't even know i needed ...
The spark that lit the feeble wick which had gotten lost ...
Lighting fire to my hope which now flickers and glows as it pushes
back against the grey haze ...
And it is your love that feeds oxygen to this fire ... keeping it
alive and strong ....
A brightly burning little flame that i do not remember ever having
before ...

My soul feels like a diamond ... so lovely on it's own ....
But now brilliantly breathtaking in the sunlight of your love ...

i believe in us .... in you ...
How could i not?..
Fore i feel as if i have died ...
To be reborn in the basking warm glow of your love ...
And though i awaken carrying the scars of my previous existence ...
The new life before me ... given to me ... is breathtaking ...

Thank you Jeremy for taking my hand
And changing my world ...