Cath

Angels deserve to die

I've been rearranging my room all day. I kind of have two
rooms, I captured my brother's room when he moved away.
It's his room we've been redecorating. We've moved my
computer to the other side of the room and bought a new
desk.. this feels so weird! But it's looking great, I
think. I'm going to get a new bed too, a huge one.. jay =)

The little things that make you happy =)

So.. how am I?
Ok, but.. I'm not great.. The main reason is, I guess, Ben.
It's not like he does stuff to make my unhappy all the
time, but in the end everything comes down to him. Because
I'm a spoiled brat who only misses one thing in her life :
a special guy.
Recently I've realized that maybe Ben's not that special
guy. Before, when we were just friends and spent a lot of
time together, I thought he was a great guy, but I was very
aware of his weaknesses. I knew that he always jokes around
when he doesn't know how to deal with things and I knew
that he's insecure and takes it out on others. I knew these
things, but I still liked him as a friend cause I didn't
really have to deal with those things since he was just my
friend. I could just tell him to shut up or avoid him if he
got too mean. But as I've written before, about a year ago
things started happening. We got a little too close at the
christmas-dance, I thought a lot about him and I suddently
became very aware of how good looking he is. (He's
gorgeous) The stupid things he does started to make me feel
somewhat bad, but his sweet sides totally made up for it.
Then we kissed and stuff this summer and now everything's
changed. We don't spend a lot of time together, I don't
know if that's because of the things that have happened or
because Steve's gone and we don't hang out at his place
anymore. Now I mostly deal with him at school, and he's
always showing his bad sides at school. It makes me angry
with him, but everytime I'm upset he does something nice.
He sends me sweet messages or he calls and we talk for
hours about nothing at all. That makes me so confused. Two
weeks ago he was really, really stupid in our chemistry
class. I got so angry with him I wanted to kill him. After
that he didn't do anything nice, and I'm fed up with him.
It's sick that I keep getting angry with him and then wait
for him to make it up to me even though he doesn't know I'm
upset. Then last weekend, we went shopping for his
halloween costume and I met him later at the party. He was
dressed like an angel, yellow curls, wings and a halo. It
totally cracked me up. He was very cute. But we didn't
spend time together at all at the party and I didn't mind.
Really. I'm sick of him. Lately I've been wanting to meet
someone new really badly. I was never in love with Ben, I
was very close for a long time, but suddently I've realized
that I'll never fall in love with him. It's impossible. And
maybe that's a good thing. We'll just see what happens. I
feel kind of empty at the moment. I guess I'm a bit
disappointed..

You think of things impossible
then the sun refuse to shine
I woke with you beside me
your cold hand lay in mine

**************************************************

My grades are getting better. 6- on the mathstest, 6/5 on
the chemistry test. We had this literary history test this
Thursday and I think I did pretty wel. We have a
physicstest this Friday and I know I'll suck tho. Oh well.

My brother is homesick. Maybe I'll go visit him. I'm not
very rich so my dad would have to pay for the flight. I
don't even know if I dare to fly during this crazy times.
Maybe Bin Laden'll sit next to me. I heard they think he's
hiding in Northern Europe. Uh-oh :P

I got a message from someone called Angel. He/she wanted my
e.mail address, but didn't leave one. So, if you're reading
this, or someone else want to e.mail me, my address is
[email protected]. I love getting e.mails! =)

Oh, no, it's hailing again.. It's been snowing for a couple
of days. It's been nice, Christmas is coming up! But
yesterday it started raining, everything got totally slushy
and slippery. There was a storm this night and this
morning. When I woke up, the snow was all gone. That's
okay, it'll be back. It's okay as long as it's not slushy
and slippery. But now it's hailing.. *sighs* That means
it's cold. I don't really like it when it's cold.. I'm
constantly freezing!

I'll be off now, take care everyone! 8)

p.s.
If you're wondering about the subject.. I was just
listening to system of a down =)