The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-10 21:58:33 (UTC)

beneath the stains of time

I awoke this afternoon to a painfully familar
fragrance. I'm not certain precisely what it was...
perhaps the pearberry lotion I used after my long bath, or
was it the fact that I left my window open, so that the
perfume of the night flooded in? My room always smelled
this way in the months after mother left, when father and I
got along, when we spoke without my bursting into tears
from something he'd said. It's one of those fragrances
that are hard to place... cool, and sweet. A slight chill
once again hung like a mist over my chamber, and I swear I
almost thought that it WAS last year, that all this had
been some sort of awful nightmare. The memories of those
cemeteries we used to visit with my friends seem so fresh
now. That night we spent at the skating rink, and then at
Steak and Shake, and then at Walmart, until it as 2am...
that could have happened last weekend. We've got salsa
class again Monday, and even though most of the people
there are over 65, I go because I know father wishes a
partner, and I don't mind at all. Al will call me any
moment, and he, father, and I will probably all end up at
the bookstore again, my tightly curled blonde hair falling
softly on my pale shoulders. Torturous daydream this is...
for I am lonely still. My companion is my father alone,
though a relationship is beginning to stir between myself
and another grrl... imagine, myself with another female!
But I don't mind it at all... A year ago, maybe more...
Even though another song is winding its way into my
mind, I can almost hear Third Eye Blind's Narcalepsy
playing. It's such a perfect expression of how I feel when
I'm sliding downward again.
I'm on a train
But there's no one at the helm
And there's a demon in my brain
Starts to overwhelm
And there it goes
My last chance for peace
You lay me down
But I get no release
And I try to keep away
I try to swim beneath
I try to keep awake
But I still find this narcolepsy slides
Into another nightmare
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes I dream that I'm awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
But I.. I still find this narcolepsy slides
Into another nightmare
I read dead Russian authors, volumes at a time
I write everything down except what's on my mind
Cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound
And then I know I'll never get back out
And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
In a crowded room where the glasses clink
And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
Because that keeps me from falling asleep
I said
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be along and drowning
Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide slides,
Into another nightmare
Keep awake, Keep awake, Keep awake,
Still I find this Narcolepsy slides...

If these past few months WERE the awful dream I'd first
thought this afternoon, the only thing I would miss is
LesTaT, though he alone would warrant my going back to
sleep, so that I could see him once more and forever...
He's been... indescribable. All the colours came
alive in me once again, rising from the grey within. Ana
has little hold on me anymore. This alone is miraculous.
He has helped to pick me up from the dust, and shown me a
reason to help myself. I see now that it hasn't been a
dream at all. I speak to him online now, and he tells me
he loves me. And now I'm relieved, because I haven't gone
through that Hell with nothing to show for my madness. I
have found the deepest love I've ever known.
Thank you.