Squeeb's world
2001-11-10 21:54:35 (UTC)

What's that supposed to mean?

K, lately I've been having issues that I'm fat. Ok, I've had
them for awhile but since I've started talking to my S
again, they've gotten worse. I figure if I could just lose
some weight, maybe, finally I'd be attractive enough for him
to like me. Retarded thought I know. I know it's stupid but
at the same time, this is me and my insecurities talking. So
I've been watching my sugar and fat intake, eating basically
only carrots and rice, drinking water, that sort of thing
and walking up five flights of stairs instead of taking the
elevator. So today when Kim told me that I was being too
loud coming down the stairs, that I was stomping, I kinda
got upset because I started thinking that it was a sign of
me being heavy. So there went lunch. I had a total of 4
carrots. No no, don't get excited, I don't plan on going
anorexic or anything. I mean I DID major in Psychology so I
know the effects of starving yourself. I just want to lose
some weight.
Ok so onto another topic... I was having the fantasies
again. Like this afternoon Kim and I were at WalMart and I
pictured running into him there and him picking me up and
swinging me around. I also had the same vision in the
library and the parking lot. Seeing him smile and hear him
laugh... hear his gorgeous voice say my name... feeling his
arms around me... oh and there he be online, oh boy. I just
got all hot and flustered. I think maybe I'll see if he
talks to me first? Then maybe it'll be a sign he actually
wants to talk to me? I dunno. But then what if he doesn't...
oh man. But if I keep bugging him... will I scare him away?
Oh for God's sake girl, just do it. I'm a freak.

Current mood: nervous
Current music: "When I Get There"- Dream