2001-11-10 21:40:44 (UTC)


The last message I had sent to Briona was on September 26th
and 7:06pm and it just said "erase me". It was after
nearly a month of not hearing from her, and I could hardly
say that there was anything pleasant about the last few
times I had heard from her back then...

My feelings degenerated from awe, to that of a mixture of
incredibbly pure love strapped to some difficulties, love
lost, to love and best friend lost, to love and best friend
betrayal, to lover and best friend rejecting me outright,
to feeling like I had lost her approval of me existting at
all, to feeling scathed and hated completely. that last
one led to suicidal thoughts. No matter how hard I felt
anyone was on me, I've always been harder. I wanted to
die. I still might.

I feel like my legs have been knocked out from under me.
We have one kinda nice conversation and I'm shaken like a
lost warrior finding water after seven days in the desert,
only for me it's been more like 4 months. I'm glad to hear
she doesn't hate me anymore, but I'm still confused as i
read some of the message history. The first thing she
jumped into was the breakup - she wanted to say that she
never cheated on me but did handle the breakup really
badly. I don't want to go there - maybe not ever - it
still hurts too much to hear tyhe conflicting opinions
between two so very good sources - I can't deal with that.
Once upon a time I would have believed Breezy right away
over the other, but how can I now? My instincts still want
to believe her, but for now, just can't.

I was shocked when she said we were best friends. It was
like a different universe invaded mine and tried to wipe
out the memories of the last four months of solitude, pain,
and spiritual isolation. I wish we could be friends the
way we once were, but those days are over and it would take
a lot to get that back. Maybe something else though, some
friendship of some kind. When she said that it was like
the clouds parted and the light hit me, but in ways it hurt
my eyes.

She left Kings!
There is still a ped. at PA
She wasn't over me
She moving to Calgary in May

A lot of info that I'm just realizing now - at the time I
was too emotionally overwhelmed to process that stuff. I
know now that I will never have any of the things in life
that I truely want. Maybe I should just get it over with...

I dunno anything. I want to hear from her more - but I
want to avoid a lot of topics - especially the ones that
make me yearn for her. In need safe topics - I could
handle just shooting the shit or whatever but some of the
serious stuff that I would want to be there for I just
can't cause its too hard on me - because I want to be there
for her too much. I wish someone wanted to be there for me
that way.