*blank stare*
2001-11-10 15:32:36 (UTC)

I Just Want Something I Can Never Have...

Last night was halfway decent. Myself, Maria, Kat, Mike
and Frances went to Cafe on the Corner, where all of us but
Frances simply sat around and talked with each other while
Frances macked on a hot girl. After we pried him away, we
went to Buster's (pool hall) to play a few games,
mercifully few since we were all at a downright embarrasing
level on the Suckiness Meter. We split up after returning
to my house, where Kat and Mike retrieved their cars, and
then we re-met over Mike's Uncle Richard's place, as per
usual. Kat, Maria and I got their before Mike and Frances,
and proceeded to break out Kat's illicit substances and
bong. I hadn't gotten fried in over 6 months, so this was a
pretty good high. And, although I'd previously sworn off
weed, I felt the need to get out of myself for a bit, and
while it worked, I was thankful. We watched Scream and
Almost Famous, and I was coming down by the 2nd movie. This
was where things started to go wrong, at least for me.
Ok, Frances has a thing for Kat. As a matter of fact, he
has a thing for lots of people, it seems. Ok, fine, I
shouldn't care. He isn't mine and never will be, I accept
that. But for some reason, it still sliced me up inside to
see him cuddling with Kat right at my feet on the other end
of the couch. Maybe I was just coming down too hard or
something, but I saw him doing that and I... I hated him
for it. I feel like I still do, so maybe it wasn't just the
pot. He used to treat me and talk to me like I was someone
special, if not in the more-then-friends way, then at least
as someone he cared for. Now, I don't even get that and I
don't know why.
Honestly, I'm starting to think maybe HE hates ME and
he's trying to push me away by hurting my feelings. Whether
he was going for that result or not, that's what he's
getting. At the moment, I don't want to see him again for
who knows how long. It will certianly make his life better
without my inhibiting him (ha) and it will make mine better
without the pain of looking at him and not knowing what the
fuck I'm feeling. I hate being confused like this, and
maybe this is the halfassed way to do it, but I'm going to
attempt to get away from the source of the confusion. That
seems easiest, and if that seems lazy, well, I don't care.
I find it kind of ironic, actually- Frances is the one
who objected most to the idea of me moving, and he's become
another reason why I want to go. I almost left Richard's
house at 3 am because I couldn't stand being there anymore,
but the cold drive didn't seem to appealing, so I crashed
on the kitchen floor and for a little while, wrote some
rather disturbing things in my notebook. Some poetry, some
free-association, which I must be sure to destroy before
someone finds it. When I woke up this morning, my notebook
was open right next to me with my larger-than-usual scrawl
screaming out at everyone. I have to wonder if either of
the guys read it, since they were gone before I got up.
Turns out Mike is leaving for Michegan not tomorrow but
today, so I doubt I'll see him again till Wednesday.
There's some good news though- things are great between me
and Mike again. Don't ask me how it happened, but he came
over last night before going to get Frances and we were out
on the porch smoking with Maria, and I looked at him and
felt like a cross had been lifted from me. I don't know if
he felt it too or not, but the tension is gone, and the
feeling of us being strangers is as well. We even went back
to saying the same thing at the same time, finishing each
other's sentances, and occasionally making the same action
at the same time. I am extremely thankful that things
became spontainiously righted before he left for Detroit,
because I'd go nuts by the end of the week if they hadn't.
I just wish now I didn't have this thing with Frances to
contend with. The very same goddamn night that things are
cool again with me and Mike, I snap somehow inside and go
crazy. As it is right now I don't know what I feel except
maybe physically tired, and confused, and impatient to be
out of there. Of course, I'm stupid to be so optomistic as
to think that life will be better in Florida. I mean, I
really think it will be... but as far as people crushing me
goes, I'm sure as soon as I get some friends or a boyfriend
down there, it will happen again. It'll just be people with
suntans instead of New Englanders.
I think right now I hate Frances, and I hate my own self
for that. Also, paradoxically, I love him at the same time-
not the Romeo & Juliet type crap, but I mean love him as a
friend, like I love almost all my friends. I love him as a
friend and I hate him for what he has done and made me
become. I'm a monster, and while it's not all his fault, he
had a role, the final plot twist, shall we say.
Should I even allow myself to see him again before going to
Florida? I don't go for another 2 months. And when I visit
(infrequently), do I see him then? I guess that's a bridge
I'll cross when I get to it- if I don't decide to burn it
once I cross it into Florida.
I miss my Kissy- my soul mate. I haven't seen him in a
year and a half, and we never got to say goodbye. We still
correspond by letter, but if there was ever a time when I
needed him here to hold me and make me feel same and calm
again, this would be it. God, I ache for him. I have to see
him again soon, it's been too long and the pain over him
being gone from my side is still as strong as ever. Even
now, I sometimes will look for him in public places, or
I'll drive down my street hoping and wishing that somehow,
when I pull into the driveway, he won't be in Texas but
sitting on my front porch waiting for me. It's pathetic, I
know, but even now I still search for him, and I will until
I can see him again. He was always one of the people who
meant the absolute most to me, and he still is. Not a day
goes by I don't think of him, and wonder what he's doing,
how he is, and if he might be thinking of me at the exact
same moment. I need Kissy to come back here, and help me
forget the pain I have with others, and remember only the
love he and I have for each other.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Just trying to get the ache outta me,
I guess. But in my mind's eye I still see Frances, and it
comes right back. I'm off now to get some coffee and go lie
in bed and try to see the answers in my cieling.

Current Music: Something I Can Never Have- NIN

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like
The ringing in my ears
My faveorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head
Till I don't wanna sleep anymore...
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something,
I just want something I can never have...