thehotcarl

TheHotCarl
2001-11-10 07:45:40 (UTC)

November 9 (10) 12:05 am

Well, I haven't written for a few days. I also Need to
update my webpage. Today I worked in the morning and then
came home to find an autograhed picture of the Cast
from "that 70's show" in my mailbox. I was pretty stoked. I
decided I would go downtown and show it off to my friends,
but I forgot to bring it with me when I went. I got down to
the deli and they were "closed for remodeling" and
apparently they will be moving to 7th street (and changing
their name of course to the 7th st deli instead of the 6th
st deli. It also sounds as if Andy might be willing to book
punk shows in the new building. This could end up kicking
ass. I hung out for awhile out side then got Jay to give
me a ride to work. Then I worked. Closed tonight, bleh. Its
not so fun, but I need the hours. They just recently moved
me from steady morning shifts with 2 split shifts a week to
a crazy mixed up all hours of the day schedule but it
sounds like they're going to have me start closing alot
soon. I ended up getting into a debate with Nolan over
wether or not I should kill myself. He seems to think I
shouldn't, while I certainly do. I explained to him, I am
simply waiting for the right time and keeping my eyes out
for anything that seems worth living for in the meantime,
but (although this went un said) what with my legal
situation, the ever acidic lonliness, the loss of my
parental rights, my inability to trust mankind and my all
too apparrent alienation of my best friend and greatest
love, I don't think I'll be finding that reason anytime
soon. Things had better get pretty Fuckin good pretty
Fuckin quick, because I am At my end. I have been at my end
for a long time, I'm just barely clinging now. I've truly
given up the fight to pull myself up, and am just gathering
the courage (or whatever other word may aply) to finally
let go and tumble headlong into oblivion. Its hard to
comprehend not existing anymore, its both comforting and
frightening at the same time. But its not lonlely and its
not painful, so I'm sure its better than this. I either
need to do it soon or wait a few months, though, because
this is the time of year when those things are the hardest
on the few loved ones I leave behind. I actually look
forward to my oblivion with happiness (although i'm a bit
frightened) but when I cry, its for the ones I will leave
behind. Right now I'm living for just a small handful of
people, and I know they know who they are.I really want to
do the "rite of the winter wolf" as per the Werewolf RPG
and just throw a huge party and invite everyone I know and
just have a blast partying until the break of dawn,
everyone knowing full well that when the sun hits the
horizon I am going to walk off into the woods and kill
myself, leaving my body to be consumed by the earth. Thats
what I want to do. Unfortunately, so many people I know
would take the opportunity to try and "save" me (from what
I ask, I see suicide as saving myself from what is
unbearable pain) and then they'd 1) bring the party down,
and noone would have any fun at my going away party 2) stop
me from doing it at sunrise and thereby ruining the whole
damn thing 3) Making promises they can't keep or saying
things thatt they don't mean just to try and make
themselves feel like a saviour. It would be ideal, but it
just wouldn't work. So, much to my dismay, i'm going to
have to off myself in secret, all alone, and leave behind a
horrible suprise that will hurt all the people that I don't
want to hurt. And then I stop and ask myself, "If these
people cared for you as much as you care for them, wouldn't
they be trying to help you right now?" Its not as if I'm
real secretive about the fact I'm ultra depressed. If noone
cares, why should I? Well, I think thats enough writing for
one evening. I still need to update that web page.....




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