The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-10 03:49:45 (UTC)

black, blue, and crimson

I have read LesTaT's journal just a moment ago. It
saddens me to think he feels this way. LesTaT, if you are
reading this: You are NOT ugly by any stretch. I love you
so much, tears of joy run down my face at the thought of
it. You are such a beautiful person, and YOU do not see
it. To gaze into your eyes is to gaze into your soul, a
soul I have known and loved, it seems forever. I know
we've known each other in a past life somewhere. This is
meant to be, please don't doubt yourself or my love for
you. I already knew you were not meeting anyone. You may
have fooled father and my brother, but not me. I
understand your need to be alone with only yourself as
company... you learn the most about you that way, and it
seems that's precisely what you need.
I try hard not to keep things from you, but really
it's the same story every time... father has hurt me,
mother has hurt me, then both try to make up for it so that
I don't go over the edge, then they hurt me again. Just
when I think "I seriously can't take this anymore, the next
time I see them I will yell at them, I will make them
see..." they do something nice or really act as if they
don't see any of the signs...
I told Heather about my situation with father and
mother earlier. She says she wants a talk with both of
them. She believes THEY are the cause of my frequent panic
attacks, my self doubt... she is right. I couldn't tell
them this, though. I tried once, and at the slightest hint
that he may have been (even indirectly) instrumental in my
sadness, I got shouted at.
I remember one particular week over the summer in
which I was so down that even my father noticed (I swear I
have to get suicidal and try to hide it before he notices
I'm "a bit off"). He asked me why... well for the past
several weeks, we hadn't gone anywhere or done anything.
There were days when I never left the house so why the hell
SHOULD I put on makeup or wear anything other than my
pajamas and robe? I started my explanation with the
words "well, we don't really GO anywhere anymore... I
haven't been out of the house in a long time..." I even
said it in the submissive voice mother always used, the one
I am beginning to adopt, for if I bring something to his
attention in a normal, or even emotional tone of voice, I
am immediately "mouthing off" or "accusing" him of
something. Off with my head. I got shouted at again... he
cannot accept blame... it is a psychological impossibility
(sp?). He would self-destruct or something.
LesTaT, this is what is wrong with me... the same sort
of thing that is wrong with you. We turned out so
different from our parents, from our siblings... two blonde
haired, fair skinned, dark souled poets. I love you and
want to be with you forever.
Tell me, someone, is a couple considered "engaged"
even if they just mutually agree with as much certainty as
one can have in this life that they shall marry, or is one
only considered "engaged" when a ring has been given and a
formal question posed? I was pondering this earlier,
introducing LesTaT as my boyfriend, though we are both so
certain we shall marry. Please reply to this if you think
you have an answer.