The Orge

The Orge's Dead Journal
2001-11-10 02:27:41 (UTC)

and so it starts...

much like my good friend who told my about on line journals
i'd hoped to start mine off on a possitive note, but alas
what would i need a journal for if not to put down the
thoughts that keep me awake into the twi-light hours of the
day? these thoughts have, these days of past, kept me
up 'till the morning hour of seven or nine. and even in my
sleep i'm haunted by my thoughts... who am i? are my
friends really my friends? would anyone really care if i
was to vanish? what of my father, what do i write to a man
that i fear growing up to be like? am i becoming him? i
must write him, but what do i say? i want him in my life -
dear gawd i fought for a year and a half toget him there,
and when it seemed he might be willing to change, to admit
to his crimes against my sisters, to try and be a real
man...he abadoned me again....abandonment... that is what
set off so much of the depression i've gone through over
the past two or so years...though i wont admit to anyone
that i've had seroius depression. the only one who knows
is my mom and she wants me to talk to a doctor and take
medication, i wont though i don't want to take something
that will make my feelings go away by means of
drugs...hmph, funny though that there have been times when
i've wanted to get drunk to ease my mind, guess i am
contradictory as a good friend of mine once told me. she
too has been on my mind alot - i care all the world for her
tho i know not how she feels about me...tho i'm also not
sure exactly how i feel about her...i only know that i'll
do anything in the world for her, will protect her like a
big brother ( though if you knew her she can certainly
handle herself), and can't imagine life with out her...i
think she too would be sad if we ever lost touch, but i'm
not sure and thats what bugs me, maybe thats why two days
ago i decided to test how long she can go with out hearing
from me, let her call me fer once, let her show that she
cares for once and that i am not alone in feeling a bond
between us, tho i dont think i am and should know it by now
with the way we are with each other and how long we've been
friends, good friends, and the things we've gone through...
i dont know tho...just don't know much anymore these
days...what am i doing...i'm not in school, i'm not
working...i'm ashamed to call home an talk to my mom, she
knows i'm not in school but she's not sure if i found a new
job yet- sorta quit my last one on the spot and even that
i'm not sure if i shoulda done, but i had my reasons,
frinships for one, the promotion and working with the new
boss coulda caused too much trouble and i coulda lost the
one friendship i care about more than anything, ok
doubtful, but the fear was there and was not to be ingored
in my mind's eye.....dear gawd i've rambled on fer a while
now, best to call it a day for now and go take a shower
~the orge




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