bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
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2001-11-10 01:43:24 (UTC)

just wait and see...

this is something from my notebook that i wrote yesterday...

i've got so much on my mind...
my aunt is dying and she's in her last days. she's great a
very loving woman. i don't know if i can imagine life with
out her in my family. i know that i will miss her a lot...
when she goes, will i cry? will i sob? will i stand there
too paralized by the news and try to understand that she is
gone? will i not shed a tear until her funeral? what's
going to happen to me? how will i react? should i be happy
that her suffering is coming to an end?...
is there really a heaven? i know that i believe in God, but
is there an actual place for me to rest when i go? i guess
i'll know when i find out...
my cousin made a stupid bet with this guy who hates me.
they were very serious about the bet they made too. the
other guy bet my cousin five dollars that i would committ
suicide by the end of this year and they shook on it. my
cousin had the nerve to tell me that he better not lose. i
was shocked. people are so phucked up sometimes, no matter
who they are to you.
i've been with my boyfriend for a while now. i'm happy with
him. a lot happier with myself too. i don't think that i
could handle not being with him right now. i need him. he's
a best friend...he told me he'll never leave me...i hope
that's true.

...well, that was it. i just now got news that my aunt
passed away. i cried. i'm done.

that guy came up to me...the one who hates me...and he told
me to committ suicide...i looked at him like "are you
serious?", thinking that he'd say that he was only kidding.
but he didn't....instead he said that it sounds like a good
idea. and then he turned to his friend who looked at him in
shock and told him...i want my five bucks. i was pissed off
and i was so hurt. i couldn't believe him. on tuesday i'm
gonna report him and my cousin to the school. i don't care
if my cousin gets in trouble because it's pretty messed up.

i went to the movies with my boyfriend yesterday. i had fun
with him. it was really nice to have his company. it was
kinda funny because we he thought that i was mad at him and
i thought that he was mad at me.....we always do that. it's
gotta stop. i love the way he looks at me. it gives me some
kind of assurance. you know what? i think that it's true.
what i said in my notebook. i think that he's telling me
the truth. i was talking to my friend today and i told her
how i felt. i'm sure.

i don't know what else to say...

i don't know what else to do...

after all this is over...i'll be happier...the funeral,
reporting those stupid guys...i'll feel a lot better...

just wait and see...

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