hello kitty cat
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2001-11-09 16:53:54 (UTC)

flash back continued

So then there were the times I was up Pine Creek. Jamie and
I drove up there in her deadhead car. I spent the whole
time up there acting it's all I could do to wake up
everyday..I ended up smoking weed a whole lot up
there...just so I wouldn't care..because if I did ..It
would have fucked things up more with my dads parents..I
had the power to fuck everything up beyond any doubt...So I
was stoned. I will never ever do that again. I can't
believe I am so weak as to just get high when I need to not
care so much. Never again. I am such a weak person. That
whole time was bullshit. I remember when Jamie left I was
completely sober...and I ended up talking to Andrew for
like 3 hours one night after everyone had gone to sleep.
He's such a great person..I remember thinking of how he
would lose so much respect for me if he knew I had been
high the day before. I suck. I'm so weak. Pine creek was a
blur...Then I went back to Wayne...haha. What a joke. That
was when it all happened...when I cried and cried. I cried
so much there. I cried for everyone. I tried to get a hold
of my Mom..she wouldn't return my calls..I talked to Joey
the whole time..Joey wanted to marry me...he wanted to be
with me...Joey was just divorced ...He would get really
upset because he missed his baby too...I told him he should
go back to Florida..get out of PA while you can...go back
and see his kid. I never found out whether he did or not. I
will next time I go. I was so sad. I was such a mess. I
remember crying when I had to leave Tom and Jamie. That's
what I was sad about when I left. I miss Tom so much. Tom
and I have this unbreakable connection...we are so
connected..our souls are connected..If I didn't talk to him
for 10 years and then one day found him it would be as if
we had talked the whole time we were apart. Everyone is
getting married or they're pregnant. Jamie and Donny are
getting married...Jimmy and Laura are getting married...Val
is pregnant...Sara is pregnant...too much shit there. Too
much.Jamie had to take her mother to get an abortion...she
had been partying really hard with that guy...her drug
dealer...and he got her pregnant..I'm not sure the baby
would have ever made it out of her anyway with all the shit
she snorts and shoots....but that's life. I am a ghost when
I am there. Because I'm never REALLY there. I will say
this....PA always makes you grow up. Everytime I go..I am
forced to grow more and more. But other than it being a
step for's hell. But I always end up going
back.It's always the same. I'm drained.