hello kitty cat
2001-11-09 16:29:03 (UTC)

Good Morning

So I'm sitting here thinking..I'm in photo of course...I
don't really know what is going through my mind. I'm really
falling for Jason..I hope it doesn't all go to hell. I
talked to Sam yesterday....he really likes Joselin I
think..which is good. I'm not right for him. I don't really
think she is either but they're both so lonely..and they
need something like each it's good. They're going
on a date today....Jason is going to pick me up early from
school. I talked to Jamie last night...she's getting
married. She asked me to be the maid of honor...I can't
believe my best friend is getting married. I told Jason..he
can't understand why I call her my best friend after the
whole rape thingy or whatever.... He says I haven't delt
with the pain it has caused me...but I think I have. She
did act like nothing happened..but she cried for me..and
really how much can you do in a situation like that? I wish
I could just erase it..I hate it when Jason brings up stuff
like that...then he'll bring up how Sam and James have both
seen me naked or almost naked..and Jack..and then he'll be
like..James isn't worthy of you...bla bla bla...I just hate
it when he starts talking about Jack and everything that
happened during that. I liked Jack but I was so out of it
then...I didn't know what I was doing..My memory is a huge
blur. I don't know why. But up until like 3 weeks into
school I don't remember much. Everything seems cloudy.Maybe
I'm pushing it away. I don't want to lose Jason. I care
about him so much. I think the thing with me and Sam is he
told me how much I meant to him..but if I really meant that
much ...he wouldn't have just you know...stopped...and felt
more for Joselin than me..It just really makes me think.
Jason says he has strong feelings for me but how do I know
they're not like Sams? How do I know anything? I'm
scared...You know I really do think I delt with the whole
Philadelphia thing...I cried so much there. I would sit on
top of my burnt down house like a ghost and cry. Everything
was so emotional. I would call Shonee...and Joselin and
cry..because Jason refused to be there for me..and I don't
blame him..but I needed him SO bad then. He was so rude to
me while I was there. One of the last days I was at Donny's
house with Jamie...and I called Jason...and I don't really
remember what was said. He kept talking about hot chicks
and how I couldn't be enough for him and he was sorry..I
remember the conversation ending with him saying "you just
don't do it for me what can I say" and so I said I needed
to go..and I hung up...That was the day after I was raped I
called because I needed him then. I couldn't even bring
myself to tell him. He was so bitter about Caitlin..he was
so screwed up at that point...I know he was hurting just
like I was ..just about different things. I cried after
that. I went back to Jamies and cried...I cried about
him..I cried about what had happened...I cried about my
mother...I cried about my grandparents...I cried about my
house...I cried about my poor friends in PA...I cried about
my dad....I cried for my mother ..I cried for her..because
she is so lost...she is soooo lost. She is a lost case..and
before her...I didn't believe in lost cases.