*blank stare*
2001-11-09 15:58:05 (UTC)

People Are Strange...

Well, I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to write last
night, but Steph stayed on the computer till I had to go to
sleep, and now I don't remember most of it.
Yesterday was boring as fuck- stopped at the RCW event
for about 30 seconds to drop something off (was supposed to
be getting one of my movies back, but that didnt happen)
picked up a job application or two, and came home. I did
recieve a surprising yet pleasant visit from two old
friends who I havent talked to in months, due to the fact
they I thought they hated me and they thought I hated them.
So Steph M and Micki stayed for an hour or so, and before
they left,Steph W and Mike showed up. Things still appear
to be wierd with me and Mike, and I have the awful feeling
that they wont be back to normal before the move, which
saddens me greatly. I guess when I move Mike will be the
one I miss the least, because in a sense, we're already
distanced from each other. I was stupid and I've already
lost him- and it just makes my desire to be gone from here
that much stronger.
After Steph M and Micki left, Jake and Frances came by,
and Mike suddenly left without much explanation. However he
was tired and his grandfather just died, so he had every
right to be in a wierd mood. Jake, Steph, Frances and I
went to Cafe on the Corner in Dover so Steph could see this
girl that she's dating named Merry. I hadn't originally
been to enthused about going, but I was glad I did because
I got to see my friend Jason, who I hadn't seen in like 2
months. He got my phone number from Steph and
he's "supposed" to call me at some point (hopefully for
casual sex).
I think things are wierd between me and Frances now as
well, which pisses me off. I love Frances (as a friend,
strictly speaking), and he's wonderful to be around. Just
sometimes things he says to me hurt, and he doesnt realize
it. He can be funny, but there's a difference between funny
and painfully tactless, and he needs to learn it. Last
night he said something or another while I was putting
shoes on to go to the Cafe' and dont remember what it was,
but I do remember that it really stung me. So then he
askes, "Mandy, do you like me?" and I replied "Sometimes."
he asked "Now?" and I said no. He asked if I hated him and
I said sometimes. "Now?" "No."
He tried to dwell on it... but I basically decided to just
leave it alone and we left. He and I didnt talk much at the
Cafe', but I spent most of my time talking to Jason.
Frances was silent all the way home, where I dropped off
him and Jake so Jake could get his car. I was hoping to be
driving Frances home so we could talk, but I guess he didnt
want to talk to me cause he had Jake drive him. I went back
to the Cafe' alone and re-met up with Steph, Jason and
I wonder if things are going to be wierd with me and
Frances now, too. Right now only things between me and Jake
seem normal- in fact, we're getting closer than we were
before. Right now, the way I feel is like nothing between
all of us will be right again until I go, like I'm ruining
their lives and destroying their friendships with each
other. I'm pretty sure I'm not but I still feel that way.
Everytime I find something resembling Utopia, there's a
hurricane, blizzard or tornado to knock it down. Why
should this idyllism (Sp?) stay with me? That would make my
life way too pleasing, and of course, we can't have that.
As it is, I doubt strongly if Mike ever wants to see me
again. I was so stupid as to ruin things between us, and
now I dont even want to know what he sees when he looks at
me. When I look at him, I see a stranger who looks vaguely
familiar... like someone you pass on the street at the same
time every day on your way to work. I dont think Mike cares
about me anymore (if he ever did), and I dont think he
cares that I'm moving and not coming back, or cares that
I'm sorry for what happened and I miss what we had. I also
sometimes feel like I will never see any of them ever
again, either before I leave or after. And the sad part is,
everytime I feel that, I have to ask myself if I even care.

Music: Why the Children- Twiztid

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