Dreamland's Nightmares
2001-11-09 15:22:35 (UTC)

Birthday Dreams

Well, my birthday was on Wed. I guess it went pretty
decently, nobody tried to kill anybody or anything. It's
Fri. now and I finally have a spare moment in BCIS to
write. (I finished all my work, go me). A LOT of things
have been happening in my life, but that's all the time,
right? I think I lost two of my best friends over some
stupid shit. You see, this guy I know was "messing around"
w/ me on Tues., and I got really uncomfortable. It wasn't,
like, rape or anything, b/c you'd be sure I'd know it, but
it ws close. Too close. I ws scared and fighting and
screaming but nobody knew, nobody cared. And it hurt, b/c
he's like a good friend of mine, or so I thought. What
upsets more than anything though is that I told a really
good friend of mine about it, I guess it was b/c I knew I
was too scared to do something and I knew she would. Well,
I know I knew she would, but all I really wanted her to do,
if anything, was to talk to me. You see, I used to go out
w/ this girl, but now she is (or was) just a really good
friend of mine. i still love her to death, but its a
different kind of love. sometimes i want to be around her
as much as possible, but sometimes i just don't want to see
her at all. i love her, her person, but sometimes i hate
some of things she does. well, not hate, but you get the
idea. and, shes the only one that i've ever known to
actually sit down and take the time to half way understand
me. you so do not know how much that means to me. so i tell
her what this guy did, knowing that she's known everything
that i've been through in my life, and knowing that
sometimes we aren't on the best of terms. i just didn't
know what to do. the whole time while this guy was messing
with me, i kept thinking that i had to get to her b/c she
could "save" me. i don't know, it's just all i could think
about. i knew that if i could find her, if i could just get
to her, that she could make all this go away...and i dont
think she understands that. i know i should hate the guy,
or want to get him into trouble, but i cant. he's moving
today anyway, so i guess its okay. i'll never have to see
him again (hopefully). and i think im reallly bothered by
the fact that her, and another (ex?) friend of mine dont
even beleive that it really happen. well, they might
believe somewhat, but i dont think that they really do. in
fact, ive heard it been said around that they think i just
made it all up for attention. i didnt make it up. why would
i make it up?! i have no reason ot. yeah, in the past i
might have done something for the attention or shock value,
but this is a totally different scenario. i know people saw
what was going on, and if i told them right now what was
happening when they saw it i'd know that they would back me
up. its just so frustrating! he denies it all. he keeps
claiming that all he did was try to kiss me. i know hes
wrong, he knows hes wrong, but people would rather believe
him them me. cant they see? this is what i was afraid of! i
knew that they would never be able to prove him guilty of
something b/c its basically just his word against mine.
thats why i was waiting for this to blow over, thats why i
wouldnt tell them who he is. i didnt want to completely
destroy his life for one mistake, and i dont know why he
had to do this to me, but id rather it me then any other
one of my friends. and i feel so guilty and dirty and i
just cant shake this felling. i cry and cry at night, just
remembering. i know that i'll be fine in a few days, i just
have to forget, but right now, its killing me. i dont want
to go anywhere alone, and im usually a loner. im just going
thru a lot of shit i guess. id ont want everyone to hate
him, but i dont want everyone to hate me either. and i cant
help but think that maybe this was my fault, that maybe i
deserved it b/c i didnt fight hard enough or something. but
i know i fought, i fought it all the way. he was just too
strong. and i didnt give up trying, maybe thats what made
him finally snap and stop it. and he ws sorry, i could see
it in his eyes. i just dont understand how all this could
have happened. and now those two friends arent even my
friends any more. they want nothing to do with me. i cant
help but think that it all my fault and that i got what i
deserved and that i have every right to get this done to me
b/c i've screwed up everyones life. i dunno...thats just
what it feels like. those 2 friends, they went to tell his
ROTC officers, but then i went behind their back and
cleared his name. now they think i made them look like
liars. not true, i went straight into the office and told
the col. that i'd rather he forgot what was told him the
other day in regard to the guy b/c people went to talk to
him against my approval and or knowledge about it and that
it would be much appreciated if he didnt take the pains to
talk to this guy about the incident b/c in a few days hed
be leaving anyway and it wouldnt matter anymore. and col.
looked at me and said "i understand and i respect your
decision." i didnt make liars out of them , i just told him
that i didnt want the subject brought up. i just cleared
his name and made them look like well-meaning friends that
misunderstood my intentions. i wouldnt have had to do all
of that if they just came to me first. i just needed
somebody to talk to me and help me decide what to do and
come w/ me to do it b/c i am/was too scared to do it
myself. i still need somebody to talk to, somebody to just
hold me and tell me its going to be okay. i feel like
crying and i cant make this feeling go away. but nobody
heres to help me...they've all left...and i'm all alone,
and nothing can fix me now...