epikivel

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2001-11-09 07:12:06 (UTC)

Nebraska, hatred

Tomorrow I am flying on a private jet to Nebraska! I am so excited...I didn't ever
dream that I would be on a private jet in my entire life, let alone based on a
decision made at 1 am some random morning. I'll be staying at a ranch with a
bunch of hunters who drink like fish and party with the best of them. It shall be
interesting.

I had to laugh at myself tonight. When everyone went out for a smoke, and I
abstained because I can't stand it, I sat inside by myself, I sipped champagne and
read the New Yorker...and I laughed at how sophisticated I felt, but I was in my
gross ripped work jeans and a faded shirt with a big rainbow on it and listening to
the song "Kick in the Ass" by Moxy Fruvous blasting...it was really quite silly.

Fucking Nebraska...what the fuck...my life is strange.

I am sad that my boyfriend can't go along. But I will see him in a few weeks and it
will be grand...I miss him so much. I told him earlier I'd rather just be in his arms for
five minutes than go to Nebraska for the weekend. Right after I said it I was like
"That's so fucking cheesy"...and it is...but is it still cheesy if I completely meant it? I
used to be the type of person who would scoff at and mock a statement such as
that, make fun of it to the highest extent. I didn't believe in real love and I
promised myself I would never get married, I tricked myself into believing that
relationships are just bullshit and a hindrance to your life, I truly thought that I couldn't
be happy in a relationship. He changed that though. He made me look forward to
being married, not as a hindrance, but more as a freedom.

I am glad that this is where this entry went, cuz I wanted to right all about how much
I fucking hate people. I seem to have stirred some violent emotions, so it's still
there, so I'll save it for another day. Arrrgghh, I'm sorry, I get so pissed off
because in the business I'm in, I can't be mean to people or they will not come
back and we will lose business and that is just no good for anyone. So I have to
be nice, and then people fucking think I'm their friend, and they are all chummy with
me when all I want to do is scream "Fuck off!" I have so much frusteration pent up
inside that I actually scream "I hate you!!!" as loud as I could at a truck today cuz the
kids were yelling stupid shit out the window. I really did hate them though. Fucking
kids! I try to play on the computer to pass the time at work, and these fucking
people always just pull up a chair and sit RIGHT NEXT to me and ask me all
these questions about what I'm playing. What the fuck!?!? I mean seriously, I
wouldn't interrupt someone like that, and I know, I know, I am only playing a
meaningless game, but...I don't want to fucking talk to everyone and I'm starting to
wish I wasn't so fucking nice...not that it matters too much cuz I swear I could not be
any bitchier to Smooth Texture but she still comes around and spends eight
fucking hours in the shop trying to be my friend. I want to scream.

Wish me luck this weekend.


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