Beyeza's mental musings
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2001-11-09 04:49:41 (UTC)

Shaky feeling - November 8th, 2001

It has been awhile since I have written anything and once
again it centers on Bryan, but this time... I don't know.
I feel myself getting vulnerable with him and with my
heart. I'm feeling VERY anxious today concerning our
relationship and in fact, I have been feeling very anxious
since the second or third day he left for Las Vegas this
past weekend.

I guess I fear that my slip-ups of discontent, my
complaints, and otherwise critical or negative behaviour is
ultimately and subtlely driving him away. I am not
confident in my attractiveness anymore. I look at my
marked skin and think I'm not that pretty anymore. I
question now whether we should be together because there
doesn't seem to be camraderie between us when we talk. It
could be that he just isn't talkative like most of the
other people I know are and so I have to hold the
conversation sometimes. I'm just not getting the emotional
and affection feedback I crave right now.

Now I will say that my period did start today and PMS was
starting on the day we played Scrabble at my house because
I was feeling anxious and snappy and was a drop away from
bursting into tears.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster and I don't know what to
do. I am unsure in my life right now and don't what
direction to turn. I can't find a job and am hesitating
with the bartending thing without a good reason why. Why
am I not checking the leads I know could get me a job?

So out of the things happening in my life, if my intimate
relationship isn't fulfilling, then I guess, everything
comes out as anxiety or worry and I don't worry. Funny,
I'm not worried about my next job - at least not in social
services. But I am highly worried about bartending.
Probably because it is new and something I have never done
before. I think I should have picked something different.
We will see.

But with Bryan, I need more hugs, kisses, and pure
affection from him. I am starting to feel that if he
doesn't make a sexual move on me, then he doesn't want me
anymore and that I am only good to him in terms of my
sexual attractiveness to him. I don't know how I am making
him feel and I worry that I am pushing him away because of
my criticalness and other stuff. And yet, the negative
stuff just pops out on its own even while I am thinking how
much I love him. It is very disheartening and worrying to
me. I need some peace and this is also coming from that he
has been gone since Saturday and we haven't spent any
quality time together. When I was around on Saturday, we
barely interacted with each other. It is as if I feel
inhibited or something in a way that I am not with Reggie,
his roommate and I don't understand. It is as if our
relationship has a heaviness to it and so it is not light-
hearted and friendly. I guess it is because he is so damn
task-oriented and has that damn ARIES streak going through
him, I don't ever see him smiling or laughing from anything
I say or do. I fall into the rote of asking how he is
doing, what he is up to (with this kind of concerned look
on my face) instead of joking and playing around with him.
And he doesn't joke around with me. We don't debate on
anything, as if debating and talking is a waste of energy
better used for "getting things done" or whatever.

I just don't know and earlier today because of negative
encounter with a personal trainer (who was a Libra), I just
broke down and started crying.

I cried for all of the ways that I lack in. I cried for
all of my faults and negative ways. All of the ways I was
anxious and fearful. All of the ways I am weak. I am
crying right now. It is so pathetic. But like I said, I
am an emotional mess today and I guess I need a little

It doesn't help that the last two times Bryan and I had
sex, I didn't climax. I am sexually starved right now. I
had decided not to take care of myself sexually, choosing
instead to save all that energy for him and nothing came of
it last night. That is another thing. I feel as if I am
not a good sex partner with him. I just want him - All to
myself for once. I haven't had any one on one time with
Bryan in I don't know how long. Everytime we go out it,
there are ALWAYS other people around or he had just spent
time with people around. Can we have a romantic evening
together so we can connect again and I can feel special and
exclusive again. Because I haven't been getting that in a
long, long time and it is paining me.

And so that is why I am feeling anxious and needy.

On days and nights like this, all I can do to comfort
myself is think that it will be better tomorrow.