The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-09 02:40:53 (UTC)

umbilical residue keeping me from killing you

Well I just got a lovely lecture. My brother just
told father about mother's new boyfriend. He wasn't
supposed to, but he does this sort of thing deliberately.
Father called me in to warn me to act surprised when mother
told me, but I made the mistake of mentioning I had also
just been informed... only a few days before he was. I
then was lectured on how mother always gets information on
what goes on in our house, yet father gets no information
reguarding mother's home situation. He pins all blame
squarely on me, not my brother, who consicously gives all
sorts of information to both sides. Father told me it was
like I was "sleeping with the enemy." I almost got up and
went to bed right there. It really is pissing me off.
This isn't a war, it's a broken family finding its wings.
He kept saying the same things over and over, and when I
tried to defend myself, what I had to say was, as usual,
irrellevant or untrue. I don't even know what the fuck I'm
still doing here. I KNOW I've accidentally said a few
things about my life at father's, but she's my MOTHER for
Christ's sake. Shouldn't I be allowed to converse with
her? What does it matter that father has a lot to hide?
What little slips from my lips is nothing compared to what
my brother tells everyone, yet no one is angry at him.
What the fuck?!?!?!?! I keep getting lectures from father
about how I'm not supposed to "give information to the
other side." Whatever my mother gets from both of us she
uses for her own fucking personal gain in the mediation
sessions they have to go to. Whenever father loses money
because of it, he fucking gets on to my ass about it,
telling me about how it's all my fucking fault and that my
brother doesn't say shit to mother... I swear for all the
things I do wrong in this house - I swear father would
fucking disintegrate if any blame were to touch him - I
should blow my fucking head off so NO ONE would get any
information from me, and no one would ever fall in love
with me and be hurt by me.... I'm just soooo sick of the
bullshit. What the Hell am I supposed to do?
Next time I see my mother I swear she is seriously
going to get it. I'm going to scream at her so loud the
fucking nosey neighbors will be able to hear it and
probably call the cops on my weak ass. That's it I'm not
talking to anyone unless it's Twinkie, LesTaT, Matt,
Heather, or Robert.. my spiritual family. No one will hear
anything and everyone will be better off.
Good Fucking night