2001-11-08 21:25:21 (UTC)

A lil better...

I couldn't stand the self-torture any longer yesterday
evening so I wrote a letter to Breezy apologizing for her
being hurt and hating me over the contents of my ICQ
profile and explained how it was written there in the first
place and explained how I had no idea that it had been
saved but non-the-less felt terrible over it.

She ICQ'd me today at about 2pm. The first thing she said
was that she didn't cheat on me but was surprised to hear
from me that-alone an apology. We talked for 25 minutes on
ICQ and felt overwhelmed in an unknown way. I felt a
GIGANTIC MASSIVE HUGE relief in not feeling hated by her
for the first time in months. I still hurt a lot over
the "cheated - not-cheated" issue. I don't think I care so
much about the details as much as I feel hurt over the ease
and suddenness with which I was literally replaced
overnight in the absolute most meaningful of ways. It was
nice to chat and exchange a few pleasentries - but my
defences were instinctually set at the highest levels I've
ever felt them. I was shaking. I don't want to get hurt
again. I don't want to lose my best friend either though.
I already did in so many ways, but the capacity in which we
could be "friends" is going to have to involve a lot of
editing and forced memory erasure for me to do it well.
There are so many things I can never tell her, like all the
ways she hurt me, why it hurt me, and what it put me
through. We used to have no secrets and we used to be
absolutely blunt and naked about everything. In the best
of circumstances that element may be lost forever. In
light of how she works mentally it would be damaging to
both her and our chances of just being friends to ever go
there. I will have to try to pretend it never happened in
dealing with her - which I am prepared to do. It's for the
best. I need her as a friend. It hurts too much too
constantly to not have respectable relations with the
people who have been closest to me in my life - maybe
because they are the ones in the best position to pass
judgement on me and when they pass it negatively on me I
get suicidal. I try the best I can for everyone that close
to me - condemnation from them afterwards is worse than
death to me. But I am glad that Breezy wrote - but I still
care about her too much to afford getting too close. I
will have to study myself and see what levels are ok for me
to connect on and which ones are not ok for me to connect
on. For instance, she sent me a picture in my email, but I
know I can't look at it for quite some time because it is
one of the things that brought us together in the first
place (her art) and I know I couldn't handle looking at one
of her talents that drew me to love her in the first
place. I'm just not ready to get that close yet on that
particular level. I can't wait to see it, and I know it
will be amazing - but I know it will tear me down
emotionally too.

No matter how I look at it, this effort is much easier than
living in absence, silence, or in the constant shaddow of
feeling hated though.

It's funny
At 1:00pm today I read my horoscope and her horoscope at
MSN.com today too (under Chinese readings). I read it and
thought "ya, right, whatever - fat chance of that ever happening -
weird coincidence of the two horoscopes or is the writer getting
lazy?". But then all this happened an hour later.
Anyway, here they are:

Thursday, November 8, 2001
Be careful and up-to-date in your personal accounting; missing even
one item could have costly consequences. You'll reach new
understanding and serenity with those whom you love today, instead of
the usual passionate outbursts. If you work in a team, tensions may
set in between you and your colleagues.

Thursday, November 8, 2001
Any conflicts you've been having with your parents or children will
be forgotten today, a great day for affection and intimacy which lead
to honest conversations that help improve your relationships across
the board. The same goes for work, where your great dedication to
your job wins you the admiration of both your colleagues and your