Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-11-08 20:42:28 (UTC)

Stay together for the kids

I wore a skirt today. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I wore
the skirt mary gave me, its grey and it has a slit on each
side near the legs, up to the knee. And I wore ashelys
velvet shirt, and these maroon boots. lots of people
liked the boots. I put my black cloakish thing on over it
because Val gave it bakc and I was cold. A buncha people
said I looked really cool. A lot of the girls said I
looked nice, but most the guys in rotc mocked me. Lol.
They always do. Im used to it. Major Kelly said to
me, "Bott, do you know what your going to be when you grow
up?" and I said, "Yes sir, a teacher, an english teacher".
He said that when he saw me out there (drilling in the
parking lot [by drilling i mean jrotc stuff]) he saw me as
a good 1st grade teacher, and its good I want to be a
teacher. i told him that i wanted to teach people with an
opinion, because little kids are too much like sheep,
though they are fun to be with. I would get annoyed
though. I like the intellectual stimulation. Workin with
the let ones might as well be working with little kids
lol. They dont listen too well. But theyre great, I love
em.

Mom really ouched me last night. We were going to go to
church, and she started about dad. She dropped us off, aka
me ashley and jessica, and she and colleen took off. I
just went up and leaned against the church and started to
cry, and told them I would meet them after I calmed down.
Then I got mad at myself. Why was I crying? Because I
miss my dad and mom hurt my feelings? How lame is that.
Im stronger than that! And then everyone walked out to go
to the garage (the youth group) right after I calmed down
enough to pass as normal. I woke up really stuffy and I
didnt feel too good. I still dont but thats okay, because
Im in a good mood, I think. Todays been a good day. I
guess I really miss my daddy more than I thought. I thinnk
what really hit me is after she read the letter to us about
how he couldnt exactly pay everything right now and she
said this and that, i kinda missed him. Then I went in my
room and practiced the guitar for awhile. I came out to
write an entry, and she said she wanted to talk to me. I
said, okay, as I was typing a bit on the computer. She got
mad at me and said that i shouldnt be using the computer so
much and that i need to talk to real people. You have no
idea how much I wanted to say, 'I should not use the
computer and not talk to people I love to talk to people
like you?' She was saying that I dont hang out with
anyone, and I never hang around the family. I told her to
ask ashley the last time I hung out with her, the other
day. Colleen and I had just watched a movie in my room the
night before last, and played video games a few nights
before. she said i dont interact with her. I do, every
wednesday and friday, i go to work with her and talk to her
in the car. But that doesnt count. I dont get it. She
attacked me saying i was sticking up with him, and saying
what he did is right. I dotn think its right! he shouldnt
have left for another woman! I hate the word support, I
hate it! She shoves that word down my throat!! Jessica
has only seen me blow up twice, last night and the day we
got 'lost' in the bookstore. I dotn know if shes ever seen
me cry. I dont like to cry. Thats all I wanted to do when
I got out of the car, I wanted to bawl. I couldnt. Im
serious, I couldnt let myself. I did a little, and then I
got mad at myself, because I had to make myself cry, and I
excused it as the before mentioned. Maybe thats part of
it. Im just not understanding, I dont know the way this
works. Im not of this world, I dont know much about this
world. Im not a know it all, but I like being able to help
people and give them the right answers, I like being the
one people need. I like being there to answer a question
or help on homework or have a band aid or a pair of
scissors. I need to know Im needed. I need to know Im
worth somthing, Im not just here in vain. I know God has
remarkable plans for me, I already see the effect He is
having on my friends because theyve seen God work through
me. God gave me an awesome boyfriend. I know his hand is
on my life, and I know that I am who he wants me to be. I
knwo Im not perfect, and Im working on being the best I can
be for him. But i knwo I am in Him, and He loves me, and
tahts all that matters to me. No one can take my God away
from me, NO ONE. Not even her. Not even she who rapes me
of all the emotions I have ever felt, not anyone will take
my love of God from me. He is my God and my Saviour, and I
will never abandon Him. I wont abandon matt either. Or my
friends, I will never abandon my friends. I love you
guys. You guys are my life, you and God are the reasons I
live. You dont know how much something means to you unless
you dont have it. When youve spent all these years
waiting, and you finally recieve it, you dont take it for
granted. You dont take friendship for granted. I thought
I had real friends, and they all stabbed me. Its whittled
its way down to the little bit i have now, and they are my
world. Ive always been on the outside, but I have accepted
that. Its me, Im an outsider. This world is not my home.
Im an outsider because of God, God is what makes me
different. And If Im too emotional or sympathetic, so be
it, thats the spirit of God in me, and I wont let that go.

ps- yeah, the title is hypocritical. Im sitting here
talking about God with a secular title theived from blink
182. I realize im a hypocrite.