Pandora

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2001-11-08 19:43:19 (UTC)

wallowing

Ok, this is where I complain about life. Y'know, wallow in
self pity and misery.I was talking to Sinik-All
today and I realised that I am so not who I want to be. I
am my own worst nightmare; my parents. I hate them because
they inflict their religous beliefs upon me and I have tried
to make it clear, over and over again that I am not into the
whole Chritianity thing. I wish that they could accept and
respect me and my personal beliefs and thoughts. Well, arent
I the hypocrite! Many could probably testify to my stubborn
one sided views on life. I have always had the philosophy
that 'my way is the only way'. I have to get around that way
of thinking, if I dont want to be like my parents, and Hitler
and Stalin and Bin Laden... I want to be more accepting of
others. Im sick of having debates every lunch period about
meat and vegetarianism. However, rarely do I start these
arguments anymore- people instigate fights (I guess they
think that I thrive on debating my beliefs or something) and
I defend my opinions. Sometimes it may seem like I am being
too forcefull I guess. I dont mean to be. People just get
me really mad sometimes. So here as of now I am going to try
to never make "moo" noises when a friend bites into a burger
and never again an "oink" noise while a family member tastes
some bacon... Im doing my part to support my beliefs and
everybody else is doing theirs. I can't argue on that.On to something else. I hate smart people (oh, its
more than jealousy, its pure hatred now). Not the people
themselves, just the general conception of geniuses. I'm not
talking about the people decicated people who work really
hard and get really good marks; I'm talking about the people
who never pay attention in class and manage to get high
marks. Life is not fair. I just dont get it (haha).
Expectations: Isnt it nice to be reminded every day about
your intelligence level? No, actually it isnt; not when you
are completely brain dead and dumb. Although I only hear it
about twice a week from my parents, their little voices are
constanty present in my head whispering nasty messages to me.
Maybe thats why I freaked out in math class a few days ago.
Because me not understanding usless calculus just proves that
they, my parents are right and I am indeed a complete and
utter failure. I could care less about my marks- but that
fact that my parents care so heavily makes me friggen crazy!
Its gotten to the point where I would rather let them think I
am smart but lazy rather than dumb and dedicated. I have
developed some kind of phobia! I am petrified to let my
parents see me doing homework or anything school related. I
would much rather have them think that I put no effort into
things and get slightly decent marks rather than spend hours
on assignments only to achieve the same 'slightly decent'
marks. Is that silly or what? Im a nut, I know. But I
can't help it. You know what else I hate? I
hate people who complain. It really bugs me when people say
"oh, I try so hard and I still suck". Well, thats probably
me! haha, yup. Yes, if one does try really hard and they
still suck then OBVIOUSLY they do indeed suck! Its a fact,
quit complaining.Did I mention I hate
hypocrites as well? (haha). I just cant win today!Wow, It's almost 9:30 and I havn't watched any TV today.
Not that there is much to watch seeing as I only get one
channel! Geeze, if TV really does rot ones brain imagine
what I would be like if I had a satelite dish! Wow Dad!
Thanks for giving me the oportunity to create basic
communication skills by shielding me from the evil world of
television up until grade 6! Haha, Im not the genious you
expected huh? There goes the TV rots your brain theory... or
maybe, If I had grown up with a TV I would be even worse off
than I am right now, not even being able to write this entry.
hmmm....Okies, enough of that. What else can I
complain about this evening? How about my computer? I have
a 1997 Mac Performa. 120 MHZ (soooo slooow), 2 GB RAM and a
12" monitor. My dad thinks its the greatest piece of
machinery on the planet. Im one more freeze away from
bashing the friggen thing in with a baseball bat. I dont
care to explain right now cuz I have decided that I am going
to go to bed. goodnightAnd for
the record: I dont like the idea of organised religion. I
dont like being told what to think. So many people are given
a set of beliefs and morals to follow and do so without ever
questionning it. I guess I kind of have to admire them;
believing in something just for the sake of believing- never
testing it for a second. That takes something all right! I
feel that religion is something that you should decide for
yourself. Its something that you personally feel. To me,
trying leading a good honest life and believing in something
that you feel stronly about is just as rewarding as going to
church every sunday. I dont need all the fancy hubabaloo-
simplicity is good. I like to make my own rules. Im not
going to follow in the path of somebody elses beliefs
although I have nothing against them. If you pray to God or
pray to the sunset I will treat you the same...even if you
look down on me.


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