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2001-11-08 18:19:28 (UTC)

cosi cosi

there was this boy with bright blue eyes and black hair
and a hat and twice we looked at eachother and smiled
and i know its a way i dont smile at strangers and when
we passed i smiled more cause i was smilin at some
guy some guy i didnt know hadnt even seen around
and he smiles at the same time big and his blue eyes
following me and at night i think how weird how odd
and what will happen and then it happens again and i
think will it happen again, this smiling? and then at
lunch and he comes up to the table and he knows
someone i know and i hear him talk and those blue
eyes rest on me for a second but i cant look back and i
dont say anything and i wish i wasnt hearin him talk,
cause its all shot to shit now. now he's real. now he is
too skinny and now his voice is a little weird but he still
seemed shy and i am still thinking... i am still sitting
here thinking about him

i wish wish wish, there was a part of my brain i could
shoot out, the part that likes boys. because the amount
of time i spend thinking about them, not even thinking
about good ones, thinking about my trademark BAD
ones, just makes me ill. i suppose everyone does it
and its not all that terrible but i think this is really just
another sign that i am supposed to be some kind of
nun. sometimes i wonder if i will get the calling.
seriously yo, i've been to Assisi twice so far and m god
that place does something to me. nun shit aside, that
place is so full of faith that it makes me want to cry. cry
and not talk and sit sit there in some kind of timeless
thoughtless daze.
looking at water, looking at david, stuff like that.
so i fell asleep last weekend on perissa beach in
santorini not really asleep but that in between in
between sleep where u cant wake yourself up. i didnt
even try to, kinda like what happens after you smoke 20
blunts. all you can do is lay down and shut your eyes
and what comes. and for maybe an hour or two i dont
even know, these passing dreams passing thoughts
that were familiar, like i had had them before but when i
was very young. something like an emptiness, a bright
emptiness in between clouds lit by the sun? thats what
it felt like. and there was a man, and he was leading
me around showing me around, in this dark wet place,
and he pointed to a doorway and said something to the
effect of "this is where the bad is. you will spend some
time here, " it could have been "you" or people in
general/ then "this is where the good is, you will spend
some time here" and finally there was a gate door that
caught my attention and he said "but here... " and we
walked toward it and that is when i woke up. it was
raining and i was alone. i went to go look for my friend
and found her in a cafe across the street where we sat
drinking coffee and frappes and
watching the INSANITY that is the GREEKS going on
around us. the mood didnt leave me
that day . when the rain let up a grabbed my camera
and went to take pictures of the sky and i dont know i
think if anything could explain what i was like, that sky

so yeah, next weekend i am going skydiving in the
swiss alps. im sure thatll bring out some craziness as
well. so much for the relaxing. i'll need to buy a
cookbook and make myself cook some more in order
to balance all this out