Cynical Optimist

....only Thursday morning

I do believe that people care about me....I even
believe that some people truly love me. I'm still unsettled
as to whether or not I believe in love itself anymore, but
if we are to assume that it does exist, then I do have some
friends who really love me, and even tell me as such. So I
suppose my issue right now is: why isn't that enough? Why
can't I accept that and say think about how great that is,
and just enjoy the feeling of being loved? Wow, did that
sound like another song cue, or what? I really do believe
that there is a song for pretty much every situation (not
that the person who needs to hear that song will necessarily
know it....just that it exists.) Allow me to introduce a
wonderful song by a local band from Ohio. Their name is
Eden, and this is from a Cry for Mersey: "Sitting in the
garden, taking in a stout/ I'm blessed to be with so many
yet still I feel left out/ I've broken down the walls that
hold me here inside/ but it's hard to feel loved, when you
can't feel alive." Wow! I'm struck once more by how
beautifully a bit of my soul has been expressed in song!
No, not like that song was written for me, but simply that I
feel a connection to it and I really love it, so it means a
lot to me, and in away I've made it to be mine.
Maybe the reason that I don't really feel loved is my
own fault. People do love me, so why can't I be content
with that? Grr! I'm really hoping that this isn't
it....but what if it's because I feel the need for
someone-one person-to love me more than they love anyone
else. How horribly selfish does that sound? I want to be
first in someone's life…I want them to make me matter. This
is very sad, indeed! And at the same time that I'm thinking
that I don't want this to be true, another part of me is
thinking how much I just want to be loved like that.