décédé

Was Supper Worth It?

I went out to supper at my friend chris' house tonight, and
aaron came along. it did not go all that well, and i knew
it wouldn't, why do i get into these things? yeah, first, i
was not supposed to go over to chris', second when i got
there the fact that i had spent the entire first half of
the evening worrying about what would happen tomorrow, did
not help. infact it made me depressed, and since i was
depressed, and wouldn't tell aaron why i was {the reasons
behind that are something entirely different} he got
depressed. the three of us were sitting in chris' bedroom.
and chris left to cook supper, so me and aaron weere alone.
which didn't help matters much, it only gave him more of an
opportunity to question me on what was wrong. which i
again, did not answer.
chris came downstairs to get me to help pick out vegetables
for dinner {i ended up getting corn}. and while i was
sitting with him in the kitchen, helping him cook {chris
does not cook veggies, ever, so he didn't quite get how to
make corn...} we were both sitting there, i was still
depressed, and i think it was worrying him, i started to
walk in a general direction, away from the oven, and he
just kinda swept me up in his arms.
it was nice, and i felt like i could have stayed there for
forever. i didn't want to leave, i felt safe, protected. i
think thats part of the reason i like him so much, hes
always been stronger than me, which is something i need,
i'm sick of having to put up a front. i only wish i could
let it down with more ppl, but i can't, i'm not capabe of
it, not yet, but i'm trying to be. and i just about cried,
i would have too, but something tells me chris didn't need
that along with everything else.
but why do i always go to him for comfort? why not aarpn?
i tried to reason it out in my head, tried to pass off the
reason that he's like a big brother to me, someone i knw
will look after me, but i know thats not it. yes, he will
always be there for me, he's told me numerous times, and i
can tell by the way he acts he will be, but i also know
that it has nothing to him being like a brother to me.
because he's not like a brother to me, he never will be
either, although if he was things would be a hell of a lot
simpler.
then i went back downstairs, and aaron was sitting in the
dark, in chris' room, on the floor, having another panic
attack. and its my fault for this one, i know it, and i
can't handle that feeling of blame much longer. its so
much, but i want to be able to, want to be able to hold
him, to comfort him. i just don't think i'm strong enough
to, i managed to today, but the amount of energy it took
was tremendous, and i'm drained, infact after i'm done
typing this i think i'll sleep all night.
but aaron, god i wish there was something more i could do
for him, wish there was something i could say that make it
all better. a magic wand i could wave to fix everything. of
course, none of that exists, none of it will ever happen.
i'll have to go on doing my best as anyone else does. but i
keep getting this overwhelming feeling that he deserves
more than what i can give. maybe dixie's right, i do treat
him like shit, and i am controlling. i'm beginning to think
she is, afterall. everything thats happened supports her
theory, doesn't it? i mean its not like i'm ever really
there for him, or ever really do anything for him. and he
deserves all of that. one day he'll get it, and it probably
won't be from me. poor guy, i should break up with him,
stop fooling him and myself like this, i love him, so
shouldn't i do whats best for him? but then again, i love
him, and i don't want to be alone right now, and i don't
want to hurt him like i know that would. i really wish i
had a fairy godmother who would tell me what to do right
now, it would prove most helpful.
where's mom when you need her?
jesykA