listen to my silences
2001-11-08 04:33:56 (UTC)

almost everything...okay, so maybe close to nothing

k, i've gotta type quick so as not to get yelled at by dad
again. things have been, well, i am not for sure.
they're...interesting...weird...frustrating. i don't know
exactly. i'm just gonna start with topics and write what's
going on with them.

work: i've had a real big problem with this guy who won't
leave me alone. understand, i'm a very relaxed person.
given, i don't trust people easily, but i'm at ease with
them and comfortable in about any situation. i know i can
defend myself. i know other people will stand up for me
too. so i'm just about always relaxed. i haven't felt
completely uncomfortable in a very long time. until these
past couple weeks anyways. this guy finds every reason to
touch me. my shoulders, my neck, my arms, my hands. i'm
not a physical person with people i'm not close to. my
close friends, i don't care if they touch me or happen to
brush into me or randomly attack me from behind. i trust
them. i know they mean me no harm. but i don't like
people that i am not close to, people that don't know me,
to touch me. i feel so uneasy. so uncomfortable. so
tense. about all of this. and what was worse was that i
couldn't tell brodie. not because of the subject matter,
but because of his reaction. he knows how this would
affect me cause he knows my past. and he wouldn't stand
for it. he would go to an extreme to stop it. so i wasn't
going to tell him. i told the head security guy at work,
drew, and he explained what was going to go on. i don't
want the guy to lose his job, i just want him to stop.
drew said he wouldn't tell brodie (who is security at
target now) unless he had to for job reasons. i followed
brodie home after work cause he thought he had some tiger
balm that i could use cause of my pulled muscles, he
didn't. he wanted to know what was going on and i
explained to him why i couldn't say anything. he said "you
need to tell me, i can tell you do." i wanted to, but i
made him say that he wouldn't take manners in his own hands
unless it didn't stop. he said ok. i told him without
saying who it was, but of course he figured it out. this
whole thing upset me very much. i mean, it really affected
me...extremely so. i don't think he realized it until he
looked right into my eyes and saw it. the look that passed
over his face when he realized it...he asked if i was ok
and i couldn't answer. cause i didn't know. i put on a
front of being ok so often that i don't know when i'm not.
i finally shook my head and he gave me a hug and said
everything will work out okay. it's still bothering me

school: guard ROCKS!!! i absolutely love it. it's
wonderful. i'll tell more about it later though. no time
for it right now. homework is easy, i hardly have any.
classes are easy other than calculus, which i'm gonna have
to start studying for cause of my last test. not that the
grade was bad (B) but it was lower than my usual (A). and
my rents will pull me from work, guard, and my friends if
my grades drop.

home: i'm not home enough to know. just to get online and

brodie: since his birthday we've been closer than ever (not
like that people, geez!) and it's been really cool. i'm
still worried about him. something seems to be going on
inside that maybe he doesn't even know about. like i said
earlier, he's security at target now. he really enjoys it
and is excited about it. his inheritance still hasn't come
through, so who knows if it ever will. not that it matters
to me if he has money cause i don't usually let him pay for
me anyways. it was crazy, he actually ran out of money at
a gas station the other day. yeah, i know. but he did.

kelly: she's had a rough week or so. david was in this
week. that was interesting. she realized a lot of things
about her and josh though. it has been a really good
thing. josh is good for her, i think. i approve, if that
says anything. he's proven himself more than once to me
that he's worthy of kelly. so that's definitely a good
thing. she deserves some, joy is a better her life right now. we finally talked a lot of
stuff out on saturday. it was great. it kinda scares me
that i've opened myself up that much to someone else...but
it's a good thing i know. it was really hard letting
brodie in on everything...and now for two people to know
that much, as you can imagine, is difficult for me. i'm so
glad we have gotten so close though.

geoff: he's going out with andrea and she is so sweet.
she's awesome. they spent halloween with me in the car (we
were trying to go to haunted houses and every place was
closed. it sucked. we were with kelly and josh too but
they were in kelly's car.) and we had so much fun. she
drives a lot like me, so it was great. back to g. he
seems to be going through a lot right now. i haven't read
his entries, so maybe he's not. he just has seemed really
preoccupied or worried or stressed or something. i don't

mary: she's had a lot of stuff going on. and i mean a
lot. things have been really tough for her lately. i hope
i'm helping. there are so many times when i wonder how
much worse i'm making the situation when i'm just trying to

jamie: several things have been going on inside her too.
mostly with guys. and since i haven't had near as much
experience as her, i'm really not good enough to help her
out cause i don't have a basis in what i say. that's the
feeling i get anyways. i don't know. maybe that's not
it. i can't tell anymore.

stephen: needless to say, he wants out. i miss him so much
and the day he comes home i'll be there. i know he's doing
wonderfully, thanks to god. but i know it's hard to have
to stay there. to talk to people only through a phone. i
can't begin to describe how much he's grown. jail has
caused him to let god change him. his faith is astounding.

me: i feel like i'm doing no good right now. i feel like i
don't listen. like i don't understand. like people think
i don't understand. like people think i don't listen.
like i'm thought of as a hypocrite. like i can't help
people. like i'm losing so many friends. like they're
losing me. like everything ever in my control is slipping
away. like i'm slipping away...from me. i don't know. i
just don't know.

final thought: you can't be considered selfish based on
someone else's stupidity.