ShameusLawson

11/07/01

Today:

How can I start? How should I start? Where can I
start? Sometimes I feel I am lost to everything and
everyone, not knowing where or who to turn to. I dont
understand this everyone needs someone sometime, and I dont
know who this is. I want so bad to find this person but I
feel I will never. I continue to question everything good
in my life, and wonder how long it will last. I wish I
could always just be like, "Live the moment that you have
and maybe things will work out for you Sam." But I dont
know anymore I think I have things all figured out and then
something happens it's not always bad but sometimes it just
confuses me and when I get confused I end up messing
something up in the end. What if I hurt her? What if she
hurts me? What if it will all be ok and I am being
paraniod? Ahh!! There are somethings I am sure of though
I know I will never be with kelly again, I have made some
realizations about her and I think I can finally move on.
I also know I have strong feelings for joselin, but I dont
know how to tell her that. I'm not sure if I have the
timing skills required to tell her, or if I'm just lame. I
care so much for her, but things just seem to get
complicated for me, I dont know what to do. Do I pursue
for happiness or do I stay in the back ground for the good
of the group. I'm not sure anymore, and then there are
times I'm not sure how she feels, I mean if she has doubts
that kind of worries me. I mean kelly had doubts toward
the end and look what happend. And if she is having doubts
at the beginning do I want to get her involved. Aum told
me today that she continues to like me more and more
everyday, but how long will that last. I am a dumb-ass and
I know that I will end up screwing this up like I always
do, but how to do it carefully I'm not sure. I do know I
am looking so forward to friday. I am giong to get to
spend some well deserved one on one time with her, but will
it be weird will I be my usual fun loving self or will I be
the stupid dumb-ass I know I can be? Is she still jelous
about the whole me and kelly thingy? It seemed to me that
she had a worried look on her face lastnight when I would
annoy kelly when she was sleeping. As if to say "Why are
you paying attention to her?" But I dunno maybe I am
thinking too much about it, who knows? Cause I sure as
hell dont!