wildflower

mia
2001-11-08 01:32:33 (UTC)

I don't belong here


I don't really know if my love for him is enough of a
reason for me to live with him in this new, unfamiliar
place. My heart is telling me to be here with him or else
our relationship will not survive the distance. My head is
telling me that there is no place for me here. It's like
we are living together as roomates not as romantic lovers.
Romance is something I have not felt in a long time. It's
just not in him to be romantic. He goes to school and
practices all day Sun-Fri. During these days, the only time
he spends with me is when we eat lunch and dinner and that
is usually made or paid by me. We do spend Saturdays
together. He gives me one day out of the week. We usually
go to a movie and dinner. The other days- you might as
well consider me invisible. He literally spends the entire
day in his practice room. I never see him.
Sometimes I feel like he just wants me here for
convenience purposes. His parents pay the rent I pay for
the bills and groceries or above. It's so convenient to
have it all planned out that way. Covenience is the word
here.
I truly feel like my place is not here. I am not used
to this city. I sold my car before I moved here. I am not
used to the walking and public transportation. The noise
bothers me. But most of all, the emptiness that I feel
even though he is just in the next room. I am the ghost
the he sees only when he wants to see. In his eyes, I am
invisible 90% of the time. I don't know how to get out of
this situation without us breaking up. Am I just being
selfish when all this guy wants is to study in the school
and field of his dreams. But all the while, I am confused
in every aspect of my life. I am in the next room. My
heart is breaking and he will never see this because he
cannot see. His heart cannot feel. Does anyone have any
advice? Please respond.


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