T

im sad

things with x keep getting worse.. i dont know how much more
he can take of me.. he almost seems to get more and more
disinterested with me and there are the few moments that he
finds pleasure in me.. mostly when he thinks about the
past... how the past was different and how he loved me and
would do anything for me.. now it just seems as though he
revels in that.. but then he thinks of the present. he
tells me he doesnt want to be mean to me.. or be a dick to
me.. he wishes i never put him in that predicament.. things
couldve been so much better if i just acted smartly..
i dont know why i cheated on him
i just cant figure it out.. he keeps asking me.. i feel
like i was scared of what would happen between us.. all the
obstacles stacked against us.. but me cheating on him didnt
fix that or make that better.. i had to have known that. all
it did was create more obstacles and resentment in him...
and then it lead to him physically assualting me..
he told me that he has a very very dark evil side to him..
and he never wanted me to see that.. its like theres this
wall he puts up and the x i know disappears and there is
nothing i can do to get him back.. HES the one that needs to
get him back.. when hes in this place he can commit such
grave acts.. brutal torturous acts.. with no conception of
consequence or sympathy..
he could kill and it wouldnt penetrate his mind..
am i afraid of this side of him??
i dont know.. part of me says yes.. because i saw it in the
flesh when he punched me in the face.. and i also saw it
when he drove me around for about 15 minutes with the
conviction that he was going to kill me.. he actually
asked me... "how would you like to die.. you have 60
seconds to decide"
scary huh?
and you ask why i want this?
because it doesnt have to be this way.. because i made it
this way.. i feel like if i get punished enough maybe
someday he will forgive me.. and we can continue to try to
build a relationship on that..
i told him i am willing to put my life on the line for him
why now?
why not then?
why can i be faithful now and not then?
maybe i didnt believe he would ever come around for me..
maybe i thought his life with his wife may not have been the
greatest but it was comfortable. .and he loves his girls..
more than he could ever love me..
as should any parent. the way my dad loves me.. i keep
dreaming about my father..
i dreamt he was drunk and he kept falling over but kept
claiming that he wasnt drunk.. even though i knew he was..
so in order to prove to him that he was drunk i pushed him
over and he landed flat on his face in a puddle.. and i was
overcome with such great remorse for ever pushing him down
on the ground.. i helped him up and helped him walk like he
was an old man... my dad may be 63.. but in this dream he
could hardly walk.. and all i wanted to do is help him
walk.. and hold him up..

why dont i love myself enough to be true?
atleast true to me??

i hate that about me... i hate that i could never believe
x when he told me he loved me... because look where it got
me.. it was almost like i wanted the hurt before it
happened...

dont be fooled people.. i have asked x to hit me plenty of
times.... when he finally did i didnt like it.. but the
first words out of my mouth were "i forgive you." i do love
him...

"when you gonna make up your mind? when you gonna love you
as much as i do.. when you gonna make up your mind? cause
things are gonna change so fast." -tori