*blank stare*
2001-11-07 19:39:40 (UTC)

A song, a name, a letter, a photograph... what will I become?

Since none of my life has ever been terribly
interesting up until recently, I'm skipping the whole "my
life's history" spiel. Everything remotely interesting that
ever happened to me has been negative, and I dont care to
remember any of it. So I'm only going to fill you in on the
here and now. If it proves too boring, go away and get off
on someone else's personal life.
I'm an 18- year-old woman who has lived in Rochester,
NH, my whole life. I'm an umeployed high school dropout
self-mutilating chain-smoker. One of my friends and I have
a 2 person club for exactly such a lifestyle. I guess it's
comforting to know that I'm not the only "loser" around,
not that I give a fuck what socioty thinks of me anyhow.
Ok, people in my life. The people you will read about
most often in here are: "the guys", Frances (whose real
name is Jon, but there's another Jon you will read about,
so I'm calling Jon Fraces by his last name), Mike, and
Jake. I haven't been friends with these three nearly as
long as I have some of my other friends, but I feel that
what I have with them is different from other friendships.
Not in a good or bad way, just something I feel. It's hard
for me to stay down (which is usually where my manic
depression puts me) when I'm with them, whether it be all
three of them (which is the closest to genuine happiness I
can get), or just one of them, or the usual situation of
myself, Frances and Mike. Jake lives in Haverhill,
Massachusettes now, so I dont get to see him as much
Frances is my confidant, and also my replacement teddy
bear. Definately the group sweetheart (except for when he's
being a sick, depraved, perverted pig). We have kind of a
wierd relationship, which I'm not going to get into simply
because I dont feel like it right now.
Mike was my partner-in-crime, and I hope that we'll pick
that up again. See he'd been acting more than friendly with
me for no apparent reason, and gave me the impression there
was something there. There wasn't. That was an oops on both
our parts- I should know better than to allow myself to
believe. As it was I spent the night with him last night
over his Uncle's house (he's house-sitting) and after an
uncomfortable silence, basically told him that we both
fucked up, I forgive and can forget, and that we oughta
just pretend it never happened. He agreed, but whether it
will actually happen that way or not, only time will tell.
I just hope that things dont get worse, if they happen to
not get better. I've always felt that Mike & I have a
special friendship (he's the other member of the 2 person
Loser Club, by the way) and I'm not going to let it go over
something this juvinile.
Jake- as far as Jake goes, I dont know what he is to me.
I mean, he's a friend and I love him as such, but there
isnt anything about our relationship that really sticks out
in my mind, like with Frances and Mike.
There was another guy in our little group, my ex- boyfriend
Jon. We'd had some ups and downs, and finally I told him
simply that for a while I wanted to date other people. He
bitched and moaned and cried over it for a week and a half,
and then one night came to visit me from college like he
always did at the end of the week. We were trying to still
be friends, which I was all for until that night. We were
out on my porch smoking and talking when he told me he
wanted to kill me. He told me how he had planned on doing
it and all, and when he finally left my house (he wouldnt
go for awhile), I went and picked Frances up, who spent the
night with me. Needless to say, I was freaked as hell. I'm
still currently single, (this only happened like a week
ago), and i'll most likely stay that way since in two
months me and Tiffany are moving to Florida.
This is going to be hard. I'm still conflicted about
this. I am incredibly eager to get the fuck out of my
house, out of Rochester, and New England in general- but I
am going to miss the guys like crazy. They're the best
aspect of my life right now, and when I go to FLA I'm only
going to have 2 friends- Tiff and my cat Ziggy.
I feel like if I stay here, I'll shrivel up and die. And if
I go, I'll probably miss them so much I'll shrivel up and
die. But at least if that happens 1300 miles away they wont
have to see it. I hate fighting with myself- but I have to
go. I just wish there was a way I could leave this life
behind but take them with me, in physical sense, and not
just in my heart and memory. They'll always be there.
Countdown till move time: 7 weeks. 7 weeks isn't very
long, not as long as it sounds. roughly 50 days. Less than
2 months. How am I ever going to do this?
Anyway, that;s about all on my mind right now. Tiff and I
made a pact in the 6th grade that we would move in together
at some point in our lives. Now we've decided to do it, and
I'm not breaking our mutual promise. And it will be great
living with her, since she's more of a sister to me than my
own sister is. (But of course, taking into consideration
that my real sister is married, lives on her own, is 8
years older than me, etc). And we're moving in with a
friend of hers who's 3-bedroom home is completely paid for,
which apparently my van now is since my mom said I dont
have to give my parents payments for it anymore. No car
payments, no rent, warm weather, lots of life... sounds
great, right? But is it worth the lonlieness?
I guess the only thing I can do is focus on the place I'm
going and not being on my own. About the friends I'll meet,
not the ones I'm leaving. Just wait till December, then
pack up, get in the van, and go. And never, ever look back.