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2001-11-07 18:55:18 (UTC)

I hate my life

If you go to Google.com and search for me (search
for "brian dowding") you actually do find one reference on
the web that actually does talk about me and not some
other "brian dowding" as is the case with the rest of the 5
pages worth of results.


my name is on the site
Breezy's picture is on it twice, but not her name.

I am affraid I am getting worse...
I really do need advice, a miracle, a temporal gateway, or
something to either repair the situation, or erase my
memory or just erase me from the world altogether. My mind
sticks to this like static and it kills me. Just not fast
Death would be such a relief. I have some friends that
would miss me, but maybe that doesn't matter since the
people who have been the absolute closest to me in life
definitely would not miss me. I would basically expect
Breezy to throw a little celebration together if I was
dead. What does my mind register in her that doesn't allow
me to feel or see anything bad about her. The only time I
can say anything that isn't wonderful about her is when
others list off the effects I went through trying to be
everything for her and when they point out that she cheated
on me and hates me. Even then they have to be basically
methodical and logical to me about it for me to be able to
acknowledge the ways they are right.

I loved her so much - that's what kept me going through all
the difficult trials thrown at me with her. That's why I
couldn't ever walk away from it. That's where my patience
and understanding came from. That's why I tolerated the
character assaults from her brother and father. That's why
I always did everything in my power on 24 hours a day
call. The unique circumstances she lives in required it
and came with heavy price tags emotionally and sometimes
physically. I never backed down. I never left. I never
hid anything from her. I never left her side at the end of
the day unless I knew she was feeling good.

I could have left at anytime instead of taking on her
circumstances with her - because I really did love her.
She was worth it to me in my mind. I used to think "it's
so much harder for her to live with this, and harder on her
than it possibly could be on me - so I better be able to
ride it out with her if I love her".

I am hated by her now because she cheated on me and some
friends of mine tried to cheer me up afterwards and she
didn't like how they tried to make me relax and not take it
so seriously. I don't get it. I was faithful, offered to
forgive the cheating and be friends - and then I'm insulted
a bunch of times and hated

My soul is bleeding to death and I just wish it was over
with now. Sometimes I really do just want to blow my
brains out and be done with it. All things being equal,
nothings important. I can't enjoy life being hated by the
people I've been the closest to in life - and maybe I can
only blame myself for it. If I'm the cause of my own
misery, what other choice do I have in changing it? I
can't make her not hate me - I'd have a better chance
making me not hate me.

Why can't I keep her pushed out of my fucking mind!!!