Ophelia

i dont exist, i am devine

March 20, 8:17 p.m.
song of the moment: five string serenade by mazzy star

have you ever felt absolutely content and perfect? even
though you have a ton of homework and people are pissed
with you and you're worried about pissing off your
boyfriend and not being perfect for him, for a sacred few
moments, its a million miles away, absolutely nothing,
barely an afterthought. nothing to distract me at all...and
when i collapse back into reality and realize all i've got
to do this will seem like wasted time. but wasted time is
gorgeous sometimes. on occasion, doing nothing is the most
productive thing a person can do. and right now thats all i
want to do. i want to sit here and write and think and
acknowledge the fact that i am breathing and i'm listening
to mazzy star and my boyfriends fast asleep but he's
completely on my mind which is why i love him, because he
wont get out of my mind and really i havent got any problem
with that. and my feet are kind of cold but it wont kill me
so thats alright. and remember the first time you listened
to your favorite album? thats the feeling i have right now.
complete awe over something you cannot explain. i was
thinking about that earlier. the songs that made me cry
five years ago dont make me cry anymore, they've been
replaced. they dont mean any less than me, they represent a
point in my life where that was who i was. but not anymore.
they've now been replaced by new songs that make me cry.
and one day those songs will be replaced. for a while i
thought i had sold out but then realize that selling out
and changing are far from synonomous. i've got a constant
fear of selling out and of being a poseur. not for the sake
of what other people will think of me, but for the sake of
what i think about myself. for the past few years i think
my ultimate goal has been to accurately define who i am.
and everytime i figure out something about myself i start
to question if thats how i really am. or is it how i merely
act because its how i want to be. and perhaps thats what i
am...nothing more than an actress. i dont know. maybe i'm
not supposed to know but i just snapped back into where i
am and unfortunatly i must face the fact that i do in fact
have homework to do. love peace empathy mischief desire
and gladness always...