Nick's Journal
2001-11-07 06:42:59 (UTC)

Why my dad and I shouldn't go shopping together

Bottom line.......I LOVE to shop with my dad. should be illegal. I'm a type-B (read a prior journal entry to figure it out), but when I'm with my dad I can't help but become a slightly aggresive type-B. It doesnt' matter what we shop for, we end up turning the store into our own personal fun-house. One of my favorite stories was when he and I went to look for a computer for college. We ended up at computer city and as my dad likes to shop we went through the aisles at a trot and "scanned" we couldn't find one fucking employee and finally we foudn this fat middle-20s guy waddle around the aisles.

he was your typical "i know so much more than you about these here machines so i am therefore better than you" kinda guy you see at the computer stores. he's the guy that goes "nooooooooo you need RD-ram not SD-ram......STUPID!!!!". well my dad caught up to him (which wasn't tough considering the speed demon seemed to break a sweat if he had to button his shirt).so my dad catches up to him and says "can you help us", and he makes the biggest mistake of his lard-saturated life.....he says, "no, can't you see i'm on my lunch break?"now at first i wanted to step back because i didn't want the blood to hit my shirt, but then i decided to mutter dad to just "leave it" but it was too late.

"oh you are, are you?" while saying this my dad scans the store (apparently for cops), and then he says, "YOU are going to march down this aisle and tell me what computer i can get for my son, and you're gonna do it in such a timely fashion that i will get back to the Masters tournament before Tiger Woods finishes the front nine.....understood?" then the fat ass makes the second biggest mistake of his life, he ignores my dad and goes into the "employees only" area. now most people would just look around, and not tread the line, but my dad sauntered in after him, and that's when it got really good.

the fatty was so flustered saying, "you can't come back here! this is off limits!", my dad looks around the stock place and says, "hey that's a nice one right there, how much is that?.........hey great it's in a box! we'll take it!" and so he grabs it and walks out of the storage place. i don't think i've ever seen anyones eyes bulge that big. we never ended up getitng a comp. there but that show alone was worth it.

Secondly was when we went grocery shopping. My dad in his tired state was driven out to go grocery shopping during holiday season. The parking lot was packed and there was so space. Now there was a part for where you parked the shopping carts (it had a little blue roof) and at the time there were no my dad pulls the bmw in there, and we go inside. I already knew that we couldn't do it, but reasoning at that time was out of the question.

we storm into the store, and ravage through the aisles. snatching chips here, bread there, and once in a while a small child from a cart that we thought was a piece of salami. my dad drops back from one end of the aisle and hurls me his "organic" shit which is in big oval glass bottles. I make jerry-rice-like catches to keep them from shattering, and my dad charges down the aisle, spinning and weaving through other shopping carts, and finally hands off the milk to me. Once again he is missing a golf tournament, which is like so totally unnecessary. I make the mistake of leaving his sight for 5 seconds and then he does the most embarrassing thing he ever does to me, and thats bellow my name through the store until he gets me back. Seriously he has no shame when it comes to time and golf tournaments.

We then take the cart and fly to the cashier register, we see a 70 yr. old woman in our way and my dad cleverly flys the cart around and nails the dumb-ass bitch in her heels so that she goes careening on her wrinkled face, there's a quick bump as the cart goes over her life-less body......but in love and war all bets are off. there's some soccer mom infront of us that seems to be paying for each item seperatly by check. that ends really quickly as we both give loud exasperated groans and mutter "don't you know i will break you?" she struts off in that weird way indignant people do, and then we take our shit and race to the car, where the final confrontation takes place.

a ring has gathered around my fathers car. many customers, employees, and the store manager. a ring of carts (that should have been placed in the little place are all about my dad's car). they're around there when the manager says, "you know i can't wait to see the idiot that did this". my dad is right behind him when he says this and says in a very menacing voice, "i'm you're idiot".

the scrawny manager guy jumps a bit at the closeness of the voice and turns around with a cheesy smile......"he, um, you understand that this is for carts only right?"......"no, but i do understand that you called me an idiot." with this my dad inspects the carts and their proximity to his bat-mobile. "if i find a scratch on my car.....i will come back here, and make sure that you will shop using one of those old people, do you UNDERSTAND that?" well with his expression it was quite clear he did, and then my dad said "now move the fucking carts, this is ridiculous." sure enough they did, and we sped away. the coffee cup filled with god knows that was on the roof of the car hitting the ground next to the bystanders.

there are many more stories of course, but those two are my favorite. one because it levels arrogant assholes, and the other because it shows that some people (as my german teacher so admirably put it) are ALLOWED to be arrogant.