The Basement
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2001-11-07 06:28:22 (UTC)

Kant keep all mah thoughts no more...

I guess I finally got a diary.
Hard to belive for someone lyke meh.I usually keep things to
myself but the stress of life ish catchin up...
I need to tell someone my problems or else I'll finally
flip.I'm bi first off all. Thats not much of a problem
except its getting harder to keep this secret. I'm dating
online which makes it harder. I love my gf with all my
heart even though we've never met. Their were some doubts
at first I admit.But I dun give a shit wat anybody else
thinks now. My worl is all based on her now. She's my angel
that keeps me going on...breathe after breathe...
without my gurl, I dun kno what I would do...
I guess I've always been the sucidal type...
Each day I think about her. I would walk alone in the mall
looking at stuff and wonderin if she'll lyke it if I get it
for her... This is one of the first time I actually cared
for someone.Someone that actually understands and cares in
return.But now I realized that she is there, I cant belive
how lucky I am. How amazing I feel whenever I talk to her
on the phone.If only I can reach through the damn phone or
screen ta hold her hand. To kiss her lips.Sometimes I feel
like we r drifting apart.She is my only light in life and I
wont give her up. I try to be on the comp 24/7 just to make
sure she hasn't given up on me yet. I kno the trouble i get
for callin her without my parents knowing. Especially at
long distance, but she's worth it.But I dun really kno how
to act whenever we talk on AIM. Being so far away from
eachother doesn't help either...I feel so empty and wonder
what she is doing every second I'm in skool. Sure I smile
in class. I try to advoid questions when asked,I nod
whenever someone asks. But All I'm thinking about is her. I
walk in the halls and try to advoid the hugging couples I
see.I'm jealous they have eachother to hold. If I was going
to get one wish throught several life times, its to have
the one I love near me. And my gf is that one.
Do you kno what I'm really afraid of right now?
That she'll leave me.That she lost interest. I would be
willing to walk that distance to Texas if I had the chance
to. I truly will.
The only other person that know my sexuality is my
philipino friend. She doesn't mind that I'm Bi. All my
other friends are asians and they dont approve of bi's or
gays so I keep my secret to myself.I think growing up as an
asian and living with asian parents is one of the hardest
things there is. Bound by honor,tradition,and pride. It
hurts walking around with ur parents that disapprove of
gays/lesb and is racist to koreans.They see gays/lesb ppl
and diss them underneath their breathe. they tell me each
and everyday not to hangout with koreans.My friends r
koreans.My gf is korean. I guess thats probably why I dont
hang around my parents no more. I'm ashamed of them...
What would they say if they find out about me? What would
they say when they find out about J?
But one tihng is definitely for sure. Even if my parents
find out and forbids me. I wont keep away from J.
I'm already riskin my neck to be on the comp 24/7 waiting
for her and callin her in secret.Why not gamble and risk it
all? I love J.But its so hard to say those 3 words to her
on the phone. Where had all those years of hardening up my
heart and strength go? I wouldn't know how to say it.
I wouldn't kno how she'll reply. Sorta Ironic huh? I've
listened to family honor and respect, fought with people
half my short life, and lived through being nothing but a
person people feared.But sayin something so simple to
someone I love crumbled and beat all that...
I guess I'll go now... She's no longer on...But I promise
myself that I'll say those words the next time I call her.

"I will always be there J.
Dont give up on this.
Ur my angel, and I give my heart to you. Forever"