The Shadow of Myself
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2001-11-07 06:00:29 (UTC)

I do it to myself

Whoa.. I've had a lot of stuff to do lately. Actually I
still have soo much to do. It's like.. just as I get
something finshed 3 more things are assigned that are even
bigger and the deadline is even closer. Maybe it's b/c
it's almost the end of the semester. Whatever it is I'm
really excited about not having all these classes anymore..
haha. They are all such pains.. I don't enjoy them. I
feel like I either don't need them, they are too basic, or
they're just flat out mean. So thats not cool at all.

Yesterday was such a not cool day. (Monday) I didn't want
to wake up at all b/c I had only gotten 4 1/2 hours of
sleep. That was totally my fault.. but still. So then I
went to class and class never makes things any better. So
after class I went to work. Work usually isn't that bad.
But I was wearing a nice sweater and black pants b/c I felt
like it. Ok.. so I put a hairnet in like they ask you to..
(eww) and apparently I didn't do it good enough. One of
the student managers was like.. either wear it over your
head or put on a hat. Well I didn't want to do either..
but I decided I would put on a hat. In order to do that I
had to take my hair down. My hair was wrinkled from being
up all day.. so it looked bad and stupid in the hat. That
actually made me laugh. So ok.. then I went back
upstairs.. and the people in the kitchen were like.. we
need help cutting onions. I enjoy cutting green peppers a
lot b/c I like how they smell and that is fun.. but
onions?? ewww that is sick. Onions stink. So I was like..
alright whatever I'll cut the onions. But that wasn't
enough.. apparently the sleeves of my really nice sweater
were going to get in the way and they couldn't have that.
So the kitchen lady was all rolling my sleeves like past my
elbows... it looked soooooo stupid.. plus it was streching
out my sweater. So needless to say as soon as I was done
cutting the onions and washing them.. I like ran. I went
to wear we do the card swiping and such.. ;) Then the
other student manager was like.. Tess.. how about you go
get a mop and go clean the floor. (I don't do mops.. I
never mop... that was rude) So I was like.. ok.. where is
the bucket. Then she was like.. hey.. while you're out
here.. why don't you just wipe down all the tables. Yeah..
that was my day at work... and I hated it. I got back
here.. and I had so much to do that I couldn't go to my
Monday Bible study. I never got it all finished and I was
completely beyond stressed about it.. :(

Today was better. I think that actually be b/c yesterday
was sooo horrible it could only have gotten better.

All I want is to be able to live without stressing out
about everything. I want to be able to brighten everyone's
day. I want to have fun with my friends.. and make new
ones. I want to fall in love. I want to be someone's
everything. I want to be able to do everything I want to
do. I want to have more time for the things that are more
important. I want to judge less. I want to have more
confidence and faith. I want to stop disappointing myself
and the people I care most about. I want to sleep less so
I can do more but still have more energy. I want to always
know the right things to say to make people feel better. I
want to stop making people feel guilty when they hurt my
feelings. I want to stop trying to make people feel
jealous. I want to stop trying to have more material
things... and instead become more spiritual. I want to
complain less and appreciate more.

I was talking to one of my friends the other night.. and I
said this.. and actually made myself think. "Your heart
knows how to listen... sometimes your mind just changes the
words around so you'll hear what you want..." I have done
that so many times. I almost always change things around
so I can think what I want to. That in the end always
breaks my hear.. and it's all my fault b/c I did it to


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