Sides of a coin
I need a few things like this to remind myself both of what
still needs to heal more in me spiritually - and to remind
myself that everything was not good before. My mind is so
inclined to only see the good that harsh light on the ways
I've been hurt are in order for me to appreciate both sides
of the coin - otherwise I would never heal, grow, or keep
sane over losing it.
kitten_angel: are you on now, tuesday, 5:12pm?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: hi
kitten_angel: how are you?
kitten_angel: it's been a long day, and I am
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: me too
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: :(
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: how'd your day go
kitten_angel: well it was fine, hang on please.
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: k
kitten_angel: sorry I had to take care of my
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: i understand ^_^
kitten_angel: My day was fine, just mostly tried.
I haven't been sleeping well, cuz
my daughter isn't feeling good.
and right now I have the starts of
a head ache, which is my own fault.
kitten_angel: I had a donut from Timmy's
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: dough
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: that sux
kitten_angel: ya, but I'll live
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I haven't been sleeping either I
guess - busy - 7am to 2am shifts
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: oh me too
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: its just funny
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I couldn't wait for school so i
could do something - and now there
is too much to do that sleep has
to be carefully scheduled
kitten_angel: ya that sounds just about right.
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: sigh
kitten_angel: Do you know of any scoliarships
that I would be able to aply for?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: going to go jam later - ya - go to
www.studentawards.com - they got
tons you can apply for
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: make sure you apply for the ones
you don't think you should apply
kitten_angel: k, what time are you goingto be
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: usually they are the ones noone
applies for and they are just
looking for someone to give it to
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I dunno really, why?
kitten_angel: cuz I might be able to give you a
call, that's why?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: ya, you should
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: you know what is weird ?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: before we hardly ever got a chance
to talk, or when we did it wasn't
for very long, or there just didn't
seem like there was too much to
say other than the catch up. It
wasn't like that at first, I know
- but now we talk more often but
it feels less often - do you feel
like that too or is it just me?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: it feels like we talk longer now
and it seems shorter too
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I sound crazy don't I...
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: don't mind me - my perception of
time is probably just fucked
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: hey - lets hear it for
uncomfortable silence! YA!
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: anyway - say hi to the lil one
kitten_angel: sorry about that, are you still
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: yup
kitten_angel: I was disconnected, and I had to
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: oh ok
kitten_angel: So when you leaving?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: did you get my message - or what
was the last one you got???
kitten_angel: Oh, did you know that I was
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: waiting for Andrew to call after
hes done with supper and laundry -
and yes I did thanx! ^_^
kitten_angel: GO TO THE LITTLE THINGTHAT SAYS
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I'm on trillion
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: no history
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: its a different program that logs
into your icq, msn, aim, yahoo,
and irc accounts and keeps all
your contacts in one list and in
one app - that way anyone looking
for you in any of them have better
odds at finding you and it uses
less system resources on your
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: but they are still developing it
kitten_angel: wow my computer is PISSING ME OFF?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: so far no history has been worked
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I'm going to give a wild guess and
say you did NOT get my messages
from after you said what?? to when
you logged back on
kitten_angel: oh, I see. Can you tell me were
you got that song we talked about
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: huh?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: what song?
kitten_angel: First, I don't think I did get the
messages, and the song was What to
you do? I think, I believe it is
by city hall
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: oh ya
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I got it off of Kazaa
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: go to www.kazaa.com and download
kazaa, install it, run it, and
search for it
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: and don't ask what was funny
kitten_angel: what was funny?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: what part of don't ask made you
kitten_angel: you told me not to ask, and you
should now by now you don't tell
me NOT to do something
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: lets just say I'm glad you didn't
get the mmessage
kitten_angel: What message?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I don't want to hit awkward
silence again so you know
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: the one you didn't get from
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: well - there were....
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: 6
kitten_angel: You are mean, PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE,
CAN YOU TELL ME?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I already did technically
kitten_angel: Just tell me, please
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: but with the awkward silence that
I didn't know was you disconnected
I suddenly was like "well I sure
wish I hadn't bothered saying
anything now" so now I can! ^_^
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I suddenly have retraction !
kitten_angel: YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME, YES YOU
ARE, YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME, AND
YOU DON'T EVEN care.
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I said something really
complimentary and in a way maybe
even sweet in a way - but with
plenty of room for interpretation
I realized after the long silence
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: so I don't wanna risk it now
kitten_angel: what did you say?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: my feelings would have been
bruised so maybe I shouldn't - and
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN! HOW
CAN YOU SAY THAT!
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: sniff
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: sniff
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: no hating me :(
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: please?
kitten_angel: k, just tell me
kitten_angel: I won't hate, I never could and
you know that!
kitten_angel: you are still there aren't you?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I think I must be overreacting
when I look at myself right now -
but I think my "ex" has left a lot
more damage than I realized. My
"wounded instinct" just kicked
the message in my head that you
hate me right away when I read
that you said I was mean and
didn't care - even though I should
know you're joking, right?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: sigh
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: sorry
kitten_angel: I'm sorry I sould have realized.
It's not your fault but you know
I could never hate you.
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I am used to being a lot more
solid in a lot more ways - I
should have too
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I'm working on it
kitten_angel: You're one of my best friends,
please don't blame yourself. I
care for you, and I could never
hate you. Kay?
kitten_angel: I will be right back K, hang on?
*** kitten_angel signed on at
Tue Nov 06 18:14:41 2001.
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~: I think I know that - certain
things come up that don't come up
often since her - so I haven't
even had a chance to realize all
the ways she's injured me - this
is just one more - but ironically
so is reassurance in some ways.
She would always say things in
"universals" when she was
apologizing for ripping me apart
right after she did it eeveryday -
terms like I could "never" hate
you was a common one - you get
the idea. THIS SHOULDN'T BE AN
ISSUE! I HATE THIS AND HAVING TO
GO THROUGH SUCH STUPID BULLSHIT
TO HEAL! its so frustrating in a
"this is stupid" kind of way - so
that why I'm sorry. This isn't
your fault or anything so you
shouldn't have to deal with me
*** kitten_angel signed off at
Tue Nov 06 18:14:48 2001.
kitten_angel: can You read this?
~wH¡t£ ¿ §€®ëph~:
*** You have been disconnected.
Tue Nov 06 19:59:31 2001.
Anyway, ya - the rest was on the phone
It's amazing how deeply we can affect each others lives.
I wish more of it was possitive.
I wish more of what I recieved was positive.
I wish more of what I give is recieved as positive.
That was always the intentions at least....