Joshin Jane

fog

just two topics tonight - loneliness and scallions.
let's start with the scallions.
i'm not a fan of them.
yet they're everywhere.
and i'm not just talking about that winberie's chicken
thing, because we're straightened that out.
they're everywhere else, too.
especially in my soup.
i seem to eat a lot of soup.
no matter what kind if is, they're there.
wonton soup - they're there.
any kind of soup at panera - they're there.
minestrone - you betcha.
tomato soup - yeah, how about that.
well maybe i'm exaggerating.
i'm just bitter.
really, there are no scallions in my tomato soup, and i
hate minestrone.
scallions symbolize....well.....they don't symbolize much,
they're just things that i don't want in my soup or
elsewhere.
i don't like them.
how great is my dislike for them?
i can even express it in french - ils ne me plaient pas.
especially when i eat comfort soup and there they are,
pissing me off.
they're so inconsiderate!
go bug someone else!!! i'm sure there's someone in this
world who will appreciate you!

enough of that.
the rest isn't as funny.
it's about how i feel i'm about to crumble at any given
second.
it would help if i had some kind of will power but it's
getting close to the end of the term and i could be doing
so much to salvage all my grades yet i can't, all i can do
is feel tired.
i came home early from "lawrencing," as laskow puts it, and
put up an away message that had something to do with my
scallion-infested soup and the disproportionately large
amounts of work i had to do.
however, i sat at the computer deliberately, waiting for an
excuse to not go do work and sure enough becky comes on.
becky, i love you, it's not your fault i procrastinate.
i'd been needing to talk to her all day anyway, i called
her but she was bonding with her instrument (read: violin).
it had just been a weird day, i was tired and cut practice
because i was so worn out and ended up hanging out with
jess at the lawrence office because looking at all the work
i needed to do made me feel so helpless.
there was a WILL survey at lunch asking all kinds of "do
you feel comfortable at lville" questions - do you know
anyone with an eating disorder, do you pee in groups - and
i just went to the library and tried to do my rewrite and
cried.
these memories are so strong, they follow me everywhere.
on a bad day they permeate all my thoughts and i can't do
anything, just be tired and stress and remember and worry
about myself and everyone else.

it's sickening how much depressing shit i talk about in
these entries.
if i were talking to people face to face i would have
slapped myself by now but i need to get it all out, it eats
me up inside.
this makes it better, getting it down the way i truly feel
it.
it makes me able to appreciate the happy things, the funny
things, the things that just might have happened.
like 80s day and rohit's great wig.
and making jokes with lev in chem lab.
and drinking algae.
and having gendleman ring up stuff at the jigger.
and decorating everyone with orange lab tape.
and ross urken articles.
and mcclellan being DEAD LAST in house football.
and making a new friend (craig).
and the prospect of casey calling me tonight to chat
because talking to him always makes me happy...

GarraWarrior: you'd think 8 years would get rid of the smell