The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-07 00:28:47 (UTC)

Guns and Roses

Ack... I haven't been this full in ages, and I don't
like it. Lately, as I think I've already mentioned, I have
been eating at least a little more. Now I think I may be
ill from it, but it IS a good sign. I really would like to
thank the love of my life, LesTaT, for his help and support
in this matter. I wanted so awfully to tear the flesh of
my wrists once again and taste my own life on my tongue...
Somehow, I stopped myself. I may be getting better after
all. LesTaT gave me a lovely, red rose this morning, my
favorate flower. Looking at it reminded me that someone
does indeed give a flying fuck about what happens to me,
even when I couldn't care any less.
I was in a crazy, sweet mood all day. I joked around
with the other sopranos in first period (we still all agree
I would make a wonderful stripper...). We had to discuss
what we will sing for our Christmas assignment. A debate
ensued over whether or not we should sing
something "traditional." Someone starting to sing "Santa
Clause is Coming to Town," and I stood up and started
moving my hips around with that sensual way of touching
onesself a stripper just getting warmed up would use. I
pretended I was about to remove my shirt, and said "Santa
Claus is CUMMING to town." I moved my ass as I
said "cumming.." everyone got the idea and laughed
wildly. "I'm NAUGHTY clause, would you like to sit on my
lap, or should I sit on YOURS? Tell me, have you been a
bad boy???" I spent most of Acting painting a scene. It
was peaceful, if nothing else, and I was in a daydreaming
mood anyway. Third period sucked but a hug from my love
kept me from falling. I did numerology in Study Hall. I
keep doing fortune telling in that class (palmistry, face
reading, numerology, graphology, cartomancy, and pendulum
divination thus far, mostly from books and whatever I have
absorbed from them.) Daydreams of spun sugar, rosepetals,
bubble baths, cemeteries, and my true love permeated time.
Recalling my dream last night was unsettling. I
dreamed that someone was chasing me, was seeking or
demanding... something. Someone was the cause of a lot of
pressure, and I dreamed I killed myself - with a gun this
time - (another suicide dream, how novel!) Instead of the
usual formula of my dream ending right there either in
ecstasy or sharply into nothing, I continued on as a
ghost. I found myself hidden in the very home of the one
who had driven me to that desparate act, in a closet or
something. I believed that they could see me, or else
their parents could, and they would be angry with me for
being there. No one else could see me, and I think I
discovered that those people could not see or hear me
either. However it happened, I sneaked out of the house
and into the streets with the aide of LesTaT. We ended up
on a bench outside, the amber glow from a streetlight
directly overhead cast sickly shadows in the absolute
darkness. All I could see in this glow was the outline of
a few trees and perhaps a sliver of the night sky... we
were in a park. I was sitting between LesTaT and woman
(whose age I could not discern). She and LesTaT only cold
see and hear me. It was heartbreaking to feel that, as he
tried to hold me, his loving arms passed right through my
ethereal form. I wanted his touch so terribly, but it
could not be. The look on his face was so unutterably
sad... seeing in now in my mind's eye, I can barely hold
back the tears. There was so much desire for us to be
together, yet my death separated us. So close to each
other, and yet so far!!! I took myself out of the world,
but left him behind.
The dream did, however, make me realize even more than
ever that I can't leave him that way. I can't leave him
here in the torture and the filth whilst I freed myself...
I cannot separate myself that way. LesTaT is staying in
Florida so that we can be together, he endures the torment
of his life at home so that we are not apart. I endure the
pain of my life and loneliness so that my dream does not
come true. I love you LesTaT, and thank you for being here
for me.