kaekay

Old feelings

Ya know, when i first started writing this....it was like
more than just ordinary teenager feelings. since i was 9
it's always been like that. i felt wierd cause i was never
complaining about stupid stuff...lately it's been pretty fun
to be writing about homecoming and boys and just having a
normal life. but since i've been helping Bird with her
problems...it's been kinda hard to hide my emotions. We have
a lot of similar problems, so it's like all these memories
are coming back. and i don't like that, because it's
becoming harder and harder to hide how i really feel and i
don't like people to see me like that. i don't like to look
sad and depressed....i hate that. and now it's like if i
dont' talk to somebody i'm going to freak. and on top of
everything...my phone's disconnected and i really want to
talk to my brother because he can go to jail at any time if
he violates his parol in any way and i haven't talked to him
in 2 months and i just have this feeling that if i don't
talk to him soon i'm not going to be able to talk to him
again for a while and i am so scared. because if he goes to
jail it's my fault and there's only one thing to do to fix
it and i don't think i have the courage to do that. see, my
brother got charged for molesting my little cousin Collin.
Collin has an older brother, Earlie, who's two years older
than Garry. I know Garry did not do it. He just got parol,
but they keep bringing him back to court and trying to get
him in jail and it's making me upset because i know he
didn't do it. Earlie did. But i don't know how Earlie got
Collin to blame it on Garry. And i know he did it because he
tried to do it to me, but i fought away. That was kinda not
a good day for him to do it cause it was around the time
that i was charging David, my other cousin, for molestation
on me. I don't know what it is with my family...but anyways.
i can't tell on earlie. he was my best friend. and as long
as garry stays out of jail...then i don't have to tell. but
i think about all the time if he goes to jail. i know i'd
have to tell....but i can't. i can't do it. do you know how
hard it was to tell on David? I didn't do that until about
a year after he did it. Every night for a year he molested
me and i never had the guts to tell anybody until a year
after that....i ruined my family and my life and now i'm
supposed to tell on my other cousin....the only one who ever
stuck up for me and loved me? the only one that was nice to
me? I don't think so. I don't know. After i told on david
and he got put into jail...that's when we moved in with hank
and i never really saw a lot of the family after that. it's
like, everybody hated me. every time i went to family
occasions, everybody asked paula how david was doing...was
he okay....how's he making it through this hard time. nobody
asked me if i was okay, noone tried to help me. my own
mother didn't believe me at first, and then she got pissed
when i didn't tell her word for word what happened. that's
when i got mixed in with keith and his group and everything
got screwed up. he was so cute, and i thought his friends
were so cool. not everybody could hang with them, so when
they let me in i thought life was great. they partied almost
every weekend...they got connections with all the good
alchohol, cigarettes, even drugs. life was good. right. i
should know that phrase would never be used considering my
life. drugs was right. men were dominant, so, if they said
jump we said how high. if they wanted drugs and didn't have
the money, i was the payment, or whatever girl they could
get that was in the group. to test a heroin needle to see if
it's clean....we had to test it. if they wanted sex, we gave
it to them...even if we said no. it wasn't that much fun
anymore. and you couldn't get out. noone ever made it out
alive. i watched an 11 year old boy get beat with bats and
left for dead so that they could scare his brother and he
would pay them his debt. luckily he lived. i helped lure a
girl....my best friend....onto the pier so that they could
rape her all because she said she had to move two states
over and wouldn't be coming back. hell, i've been raped so
many times....it's not really rape to me. before i got into
the group, i had been molested and raped once anyways...then
the guys in the group kept doing it. i said no every
time...but i knew it wouldn't work. rape was the only sex i
ever knew. i felt so dirty. hey, at least they used a condom
every time. god forbid what they'd do if one of the girls
got pregnant. me and keith had split up, and i started
dating one of the head guys...robert. i thought he loved me.
i loved him. one night, he wanted to have sex, but i said
no. i figured he'd stop since we were in a relationship. he
didn't. and i fought back as hard as i could. and he raped
me. and for some reason that hurt a whole lot worse than it
did when all the other guys did it. he was supposed to love
me. i could not explain how angry i was. i hated him for
doing that. so i stopped going to the parties, and tried to
avoid them the best way i knew. amazingly enough mom nor
hank knew about anything going on. it's hard to avoid people
who are that powerful in a small town...ya know? they didn't
like me for trying. i had to watch behind my back everywhere
i went. at night when i snuck out and went down to the pier
to think....my heart would jump at every sound. when one of
them did catch up to me, they said that if i didn't come
back they would hurt me. i did get into a few fights, but
nothing serious. they ruined my rep at school. i didn't
really care about that. but then they messed with my
friends, and things just got worse. i couldn't handle
everything going on. i didnt' tell them when i moved. if
they find me, they'll kill me. none of my friends can know
where i am. two of them do, but the group never knew them so
they wouldn't know i hung out with them. everyone else that
they knew i hung out with....i just pray that they're okay.
my heart still drops when i see a face that looks familiar
and when i hear a wierd noise. i don't know if i'll every be
able to get away from them. i know they'll find me soon.
it's just matter of time. the only person who knows down
here is Bird, and that's just because she's going through
the same thing. it's ruining my life. i try to be the
cheerful person but i can't help it. everything that's gone
wrong in my life....everything that is going wrong...i can't
handle it. i've thought about suicide so many times....i
thought about running away. i thought about everything. when
i used to slit my wrist it made me feel better. i don't know
why. i don't know. everything's fucked up.