J40

addiction

well its about 2 in the morning and i just got back from
playing poker. i dont know why i play. all i ever di is
lose all of my money and leave. its wierd because i cant
stop. i get this rush that i need to have. i do win
sometimes, but lose more than usual. i cant even think
about how much money i have lost. it makes me sick. i
feel so unhealthy right now. all i do is sit around
playing cards or read. i need to get back in shape. all i
can think of is when i played football. i felt so good
then. i was strong and fit. now i am letting myself waste
away. i am thinking about playing again, but it would be a
waste. it wouldnt be the same. i wish i would because all
of my problems would go away. i wouldnt gamble, and i
wouldnt be so stressed all of the time. i feel like a time
bomb about to explode. i wish i could talk to someone to
let my emotions go, but i cant. no one ever understands me
when i talk. that is why i loved football. when i ran
the ball, i could totally crush people. i controlled
everything. i would break people, and it felt good. that
is the only thing that kept me going in high school. i
hated so many of those fake people, and i could take it out
on other people. i guess i should let it go i met a girl
today. she was pretty nice, but i know i would get tired
of her. i always do. i wish i could find someone that
really makes me happy. i don't want much, just someone to
talk to and hang out with. god i miss sarah. she made my
life complete. but i guess everything happens fo ra
reason. ill keep trying hard and hope everything works out
for me.