Borrowed Light
2001-11-06 07:40:06 (UTC)

true confessions...

ok deep breath...*sigh* here goes nothing...

i promised this page to myself and a few others ie. corey
and whitey(sorry dont know your real name yet)and i guess
it cant hurt...

hmm well i know my life is not as bad as lots of peoples
and i dont want ot claim it to be. i know that im a drama
queen and that i dont even understand half of what upsets
me...but here is what i do know in short ok?

well apart from this feeling of loneliness and sadness(the
black mood) that comes and goes and my friends neverending
disatisfaction with my friendship i do have some real life
things i have on my mind. i dont know how to just blurt
them out...its really weird seeing i have never said
anything about these things before i dont know how to
start...give me a sec

i guess my biggest fear is loneliness, being alone feeling
alone anything to do with it really. i think that fear is
fed by the goings on of my life...you see about a year ago
my mum was diagnosed with some low platlet disease(i know
what its called but cant remember) that means her blood
doesnt clot properly and i dont know if you guys know it,
but that s*** is pretty dangerous, right. anyway because
her blood doesnt clot she can lose it really easily, if she
gets cut or somethhing she can bleed for ages and she
oftens get nosebleeds and stuff, so she loses alot of
blood. now this wouldnt be so bad if that was it but if
your platelets dont form properly you can bleed to death at
any time internally and not even know it. so that is
forever scary...the thing is she doesnt take it seriously
enough. she misses appointments and stuff, and there isnt a
cure to make the platlets form faster...i just worry about
her. like when im not at home for a while, i just get this
urge to call and make sure she's ok. it sounds so
pathetic..but i dont know if its reasonable or
what...anyway because of that disease when she got pregnant
last year she couldnt give the unborn baby enough energy to
grow or whatever so she lost it..that was really bad, i
mean she still gets depressed and stuff. its really weird
thinking i would have had a baby sis or bro, really
weird...that makes me sad. the worst thing though is this
disease may be genetic as well, it could develop at anytime
and then agin it may never...its really weird and
unpredictable! wish i could remember the name of it! i dont
understand any of this completely because my family doesnt
talk much (my dad knows none of this) this is just what i

the real reason i moved to tasmania wasnt because i had to,
i guess everyone figured that..i could have easily stayed
at my dads. it was because of alot of stuff happening at my
school. there was this guy (who shall remain nameless
because im scared someone might eventually hurt him if i
tell anyone his name)and we were going out for about a
month right? well anyway we were at this party and stuff,
we decided to go for a walk to the park and we were just
kissing, then he started getting hot and heavy. i tried to
push him off but you know how guys are? anyway dont freak
im not trying to claim that he raped me or anything, his
hands just got a lil too friendly. i think sexually
assaulted is the only word for it, well not the only word
but the other word sounds gross and its kinda slang..i
think you get the picture. anyway the next week at school i
broke up with him he claimed alot of stuff that didnt
happen etc etc it just made me feel really bad about me,
it is a major loss of self esteem and innoncence per se...a
bad excuse to run away to tasmania, but i have bad excuses
for everything...

i guess those two things are my two biggest things, apart
from that i have a few things like a dysfunctional family
(who doesnt) my dad used to be violent but he's just
abusive these days he knows if he ever touched me id never
come back. my mum is like me, she can be so happy then so
sad within the click of fingers, its relly hard living with
someone like that. my dad and mum are _still_ after all
this time forever fighting and i just recntly discovered
form snooping that my dad is a pot head. but i seperate
myself from them as much as possible so i dont care to much
about that. alot of loneliness and self esteem issues
aside thats pretty much it. i think that my seperation
form god was caused in tasmania when i took up the partying
attitude and lifestyle, i just kinda lost him and didnt
want him back. now he is trying and im thinking about
taking the step back but i dont know if im ready...i hate
being looked down on by all the older people at youth and
being critcised for what i wear and like ive said earlier
only being part of a three not just me. i miss joe alot at
the moment...

anyway this wouldnt be such a big deal except i dont tell
anyone anything so i just get angry and mad and
stuff....well thats pretty much it, i dont know if it feels
any better yet but corey will read it soon so ill soon
know. i guess now its out there, all done

i dont think all my sadness is caused by this, i still
think i suffer from some kind of depression or something..i
get so lonely and all of the time i feel so empty inside.
like i just get this feeling i have nourpose in life, and
not that i get suicidal but i just get fed up with living.
i am hardly ever happy or sad but i hate being in the
middle, mediocrity is very bad. i think corey explains this
better than me, but anyway i just get so frustrated at the
world and i eventually get so mad i take it out on someone
else or worse bottle it up and end up feeling ugly and
shallow. i cant even write these days, the last time i
tried i lost inspiration within minutes..i feel all dreid
up and emotionless...i might post this email i wrote to
corey one time to explain that feeling better...

anyway sorry for whinging i know everyone has so muc more
to deal with...if i think of anything i missed ill ad it in

by the way corey thanks for being my friend just because i
havent told you this before now dont think i didnt trust
you enough or whtever, you are the other person i trust
fully (see quote below) and im sorry i didnt tell you but
its just not something that comes up in convo..anyway i
love you lots and ill see you next week, wish me luck with
my dancing...

well anyway have to go
thanks for listening

-Sorry boss, there's only two men I trust. One of 'em's me,
the other one's not you. -- con air

-It's a funny thing about people. One time out of a hundred
they turn out better than you expect-- last man standing