Midnight

altered states

LesTaT has done it again. He has made me smile in the
middle of a desparate winter. I love him so much... Yet
another poor soul has been directed to this hallowed site.
Robert, if you are reading this, I hope this is as
theraputic for you as it is for me. All around me the
fragrance of roses lingers and tantalizes. I could drown
in the scent, and, dying, linger for eternity. I ate a bit
more today. I had some stuff called "tempeh," and it was
actually rather good. I also ate a salad and um.. oh yeah
some of my more traditional fare - rice, and a bowl of dry
rice krisipes cereal. I may even have a slice of tomato!
I'm feeling a bit better now. I got a couple of REALLY
sweet emails from LesTaT, and Robert and a friend of his
stopped by (I think perhaps his friend was a bit wary of me
and my rather long black cloak). It was good to have
someone near my own age around, to know that someone is
there, physically, if only for a few moments. Somehow, it
brings a relief from this awful loneliness. It's funny how
I can feel so alone in a crowd or class of people, yet with
one or two, I am alive and awake. The scars on my wrists
aren't fading, and that's a little disconcerting. I swear
I never used to scar, even when I cut the same places last
year. Perhaps it is the Goddess' way of reminding me it is
a bad idea? I haven't cut them in over 2 weeks.. I'm proud
of myself. I don't know what they can tell from a piss
test (father said they could tell a LOT), but I am worried
it will reveal to my somewhat blind father that I have not
been eating much. I still can't believe they piss-tested
me after my attack - that's a bit like adding insult to
injury. I mean, here I am freaking out and unable to
control myself and all the people could to is worry I was
breaking their precious rules! It drives me insane. All
the counselors (with whom I am well acquainted) were out,
so I got treated like a criminal whilst I was sobbing at
the end of the attack. They fuckin interrogated me! I
don't know if I could sue or not for that one, but it DID
cause a LOT of unnecessary stress to my already fragile
psyche.
Josh is really beginning to make me uncomfortable. He
wants my touch more than a gay man should, as far as hugs
and a sensual trick I learned with my soft, cold fingers
and occasionally long nails. He keeps putting his arm on
the back of my chair also, and insists I sit next to him.
He, too, is beginning to "absorb" some of my spiritual
beliefs, but he does not seem to comprehend any of it -
it's all so shallow, kind of like seeing your favorate
puppy defiled and bleeding in the teeth of a hungry
alligator. This must sound quite bitchy of me, mustn't
it? Really, I used to be *such* a doormat, but I have
become slightly less of one in recent times, though people
still try to walk all over me and usually succeed. I may
have to do that meditation for severing emotional ties to a
person. I don't like ending a friendship, but this one is
starting to frighten me a bit. It's making me quite
uncomfortable to be near him.
In the same basic vein, people keep talking about my
getting raped after school one day. I don't know whether
or not to take them seriously. They are all african-
american, and usually the comments are made whilst they are
quickly passing me in the halls and I can't see who is
makeing them. This also makes me a bit nervous.
I need desperately to pick up my electric guitar
again. It was so peaceful feeling the instrument beneith
my hands, the vibrations echoing inside me. My only
problem is the whole finger-callous and nerve damage
thing. It would probably kill me to lose some part of my
sense of touch, and I like my soft hands. I'm going to
have to invent something so that I can keep them that way
whilst still playing the guitar. I'm so awfully tired,
though it is only 9:30 in the evening. Sleep deprivation
has been adding to my despair and overall turbulance.
I saw aural colours today with such ease... I've never
seen colours that distinctly before. Something has been
released inside me, and I am better for it. I look within
myself, for knowing onesself is the best thing one can do.
I AM: Love and lust, passion and dreams, sensuallity
and sexuallity, freedom, remorse, despair, tragedy with an
artistic twist. I am a bleeding poet, a shadowed dreamer,
a sensual lover, an artist with a dark side than cannot be
fathomed. I AM...