My Life
2001-11-06 01:45:35 (UTC)

Pissed off Today 11.5

Well this is my first entry and this is goign 2 be my
therapy b/c writing is good 4 the soul..

so today was like any other normal day... school in the
morning and after school go out n hang,,, wel 2day we all
went to mcdonalds 2 wait for grace.. well me sen ray n
elaine.. so we waited for them n we talked about shit as
usual.. ray got food n every1 ate off him 'cept me cuz i'm
tryin to cut back cuz ive had this interal conflict that
ppl will think im a pig if i eat 24.7 ... so ive stopped
eating off other ppl and starve 2 death so i can lose some
weight or eat sum food at home.... so we're talking about
winnies thing.. first of all Y DOES SHE GET A THING N I
DONT? i mean its not like i want a thing (thing = party)
but u kno i got pissed that she is giving one 2 her... n
she'll prolly give one 2 ray too... wtf.. when was ray
part of our group... this is just stupid-- sen is payin
more attention 2 ray then me... ive known her longer n all
of a sudden ray takes over.. its like im not important
anymore and i become the friend that every1 forgets n its
just sad.. so gettign bak to the thing- they write
everyones name on the paper like whos gonna be who and
there IS NO MENTION OF ME... wtf is that.... im sitting
right in front of them n i know winnie 2 n i'm in
their 'group' so i dunt kno y theyre just gnoring me..
maybe they hate me... i kno they didnt forget me.. i guess
they dont want me there so i guess ill stay home this
saturday and mope around the house n get sumthing done...
i guess thats what upset me and i left... god.. they dont
like me... i have no friends... theyre just using me for
my $$... they call me rich boy and they dont know how much
it really hurts inside... sure i may have some things they
dont but they got love n friendship and thats something
that i havent really have.. i've just been aquaintances
with people all my life and ive never had a true friend...
maybe Tina... Tina if ure reading this... we can be each
other's BF... but for now i'm gonna take each day one step
@ a time... and accept the fact no one cares for me...
sure ive got parents but theyre never around... i dont
have a strong threshold where i can stand and say that i
have a ground whre my feet can stand without being run

and another thing ... my bday was 10.28 and i was gonna
have a party 11.3 but John died (r.i.p.) and everyone was
all depressed so i thought i would move it to next sat.
and then they start planning winnie's thing... and i
thought my 16th bday would be my bst yet but i guess
not... i didnt get any presents from my friends... i got
shit... i hink i was better off last yr.. at least ppl got
me cards... n everyones been pissin me off lately not to
mention the fact that im being told wut i can or cant do..
the whole thing with maria... god its like its the girls n
ray... no alan... alans left out b.c he's not with us...
he's not good enuf with us.. hes 2 rich n snotty...
well i guess then im not good enuf 4 u guys or maybe ure
not good enuf 4 me...whatever the case may be.. i dunno..
maybe u guys just dunt care bout me and im supposed 2 be
left out.. i feel like im being turned away like ruby...
being ignored but at least she has friends 2 fall bak
on... i have really maybe one or 2... its sad really...
friends come and go and i feel like ive never had friends
2 hold onto... yes i guess you could say this i bitching
but what else am i good at? huh- thats all every1 says
bout me- alan bitches ... bitches boutthis bitches bout
that... y wont any1 listen to me? i talk 2 the best of my
ability... and yet no one listens n sumtimes i have 2
scream outloud and then they think im yelling... god no is
takes me seriously... maybe i just cant wait 2 get out of
high school and find myself n then maybe go onto college n
get sum real friends... but yet i dont want the same thing
happening 2 me all all over again....

the rage inside of me is keeping me 2 write on n on about
what hs been pissin me out and this is my way of venting
out 2 the world... or at least 2 let off some steam... a
tear or 2 has been produced in the process of makin
this... but you know wut- cryign is good.. good for the
soul... and i hope all those ppl i wrote about 2day feel
bad that theyre leaving me.. i guess they never knew i had
no firends growing up.. ppl just assume i did.. well i
dont... i hav no one... no one 2 look up 2.. no one 2 hang
with... thats the sad part.. i can only be me and its
either u like me or u dunt and right now i'm all alone so
i guess i'll be a good boy n do hw or somehting b.c thats
been my life for the past 16 years... work work work ... n
its been a hard struggle 2 being the best... but 2day i
realized that i hav no importance in this world and that
i'm just a tiny speck that can get walked all over on...
just like the saying goes.... LIFE'S TOUGH AND THEN YOU DIE