The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-05 22:55:24 (UTC)

I have fought an awful battle..

I have fought an awful battle on this day... Winter in
all it's tears was knocking at my door. I feel these icy
fingers plunge deeply into my soul, and every chill wind
that blows through the Autumn air seems to pass right
through me. He is the only flame in my world by which I
may warm myself. I wish so intensely that he were here to
hold me, that I may look into those beautiful blue eyes and
find all the love I never knew radiating... LesTaT, I love
you. If you are reading this, it is the best expression of
how I feel, though it may never be enough to convey this
Looking up at the sky, unforgiving, dirty-cotton grey
nearly covering the innocent pale blue, I felt an
immeasurable wistfulness... All I wanted were wings so that
I could join those smothering clouds, rise above them. I
wanted to be a PART of that tragic sky, and one with the
icy, desperate wind. It seemed to me as though the chill
breeze was sad with me. Everything looked so faded, like a
photograph taken when coloured film was just developed, and
now is old.. the people are all long dead, the birthdays,
vacations, and family reunions are all forgotten because
I swear to you LesTaT... if you weren't here I don't
think I would have any reason at all to keep going. Mother
isn't around much anyway. She tries, but she works so
often... I know I would make her sad but somehow that
doesn't reach me... She could focus more on my brother
(it's not too late for him!!!), and on her job. My
father... well, after everything that has happened between
my father and I, all his years of absence, then of
alcoholism, and now the fact that we are on such different
levels and he can be so immobile... with all of that I can
truly say that a true loving relationship never developed.
I'm sure he would be sad if something happened to me, but
not so deeply as when one loses a best friend... it would
more be a milder despair, as if one just an old
acquaintance. People get used to each other, and this is
an affection all it's own. He would likely be ashamed
inwardly of this deficit in emotion, but I do not blame
Actually, I've never felt real emotional ties with any
of my family... they have always been so judgemental or
alienating or probing. I just never belonged. Matt and
Heather would probably be upset for awhile, I may actually
hurt them more than a mosquito bite since they are kindred
souls and know more about me than anyone aside from LesTaT
and Fisher. Fisher has faded away too. We used to be so
close. I loved and trusted him before he went away. He
still calls me sometimes, but it's hard to catch either of
us on the phone. Jeremy, Twinkie,James, Miniature Lasko,
and the rest would all hurt for maybe a week but they would
be so much better without having to put up with my
bitching, cutting, mild anorexia... their anxieties would
be reduced. LesTaT, though, I know I would hurt
immensely. My love for him holds me close to the earth,
and for him I will stay here and breathe... he needs me to
hold him, and I need him to hold me. I swear one day we
will leave this all behind us. I love you LesTaT. You are
the most beautiful person I have ever known, and knowing
and loving you has been the best experience of my life.