2001-11-05 05:10:32 (UTC)


I don't know how much more I can take. This world is
beautiful in so many ways, yet despite my best attempts to
be as tolerant of everyone, patient with everyone, as
understanding as possible, as honest as possible, as
supportive as possible, as constant and reliable as
possible, as loving as possible - despite trying to be
everything for a lover as I always wantedto be treated - to
do love justice - I don't just have nothing. I have less
than nothing.

For everyone I have ever loved I find myself alone,
distanced, or hated!

I try to keep busy and fill my head with other things but
if my mind wanders I suddenly want to die... Smoke a
cigarette and back to the books to drown it out - but I
can't push it out forever and it seems there is nothing I
can do about it.

I could live with friends if the ones that mattered most in
life weren't also the ones who are absent from my life or
hate me now...

What is the point
Wouldn't everyone be better off without me?
I can think of a few people who I dare think would say yes