dnm

The Chronicles of a Career Loser
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2001-11-04 20:57:19 (UTC)

Looking Up

Yay. Things are looking up.

Bullshit.

Everyone has these little periods in their life that go by,
and they think that they're down. My entire life is a
goddamn lie. When do things get to look up for me? I
think that I've set a record or something. I have lied to
every person that I've met in the past 10 years in some way
or another. And each lie is compounded with some other
lie. And another and another. Boo hoo fucking hoo. I
deserve whatever is coming to me. I deserve to be
ostrasized from society and banished. No, you know what,
banishment is way too good for me. I deserce to be taunted
and tortured emotionally by everyone that I love. I
deserve to have to look them in the face with them knowing
the truth and break down in front of them with only the
prayer that they might find some sympathy and forgive me.
Fuck, why would they? I don't even know how this all
started. Oh yeah, that bitch.

Okay, here's how the story goes. I DID get in to uni.
That much is true. My first year, I get roomed with S, not
a bad guy, little gun happy. I'm dating this girl, A,
slim, pretty, shitty home life though. So we date, we
fuck, I get fished in and whipped. This sex machine goes
cold on me the second that I leave for uni, so I come
charging home every weekend and sometimes mid week trying
to fix things all first semester until she dumps my ass
shortly after Christmas. Great. No girlfriend, and school
is unrecoveralble. Bitch. She would make... no.... beg me
to come back with the promise of everything being okay. I
spend $80 each per bus ticket and look what happens. I get
back and the bitch is chatting with some freak man-woman in
SLC, screwing around with her slut best friend's male
followers in Scarbs, and pretty much leading me on and
ripping me emotionally. From the relationship, I recovered
with alot of Zoloft. School, I never really got back.
Went to 2nd year on probation, maintained it till third
year, by the end of third year, it was over. I didn't get
in for fourth. What about the lies? It started when I
didn't want anyone to bug me about it. I even forged my
report card. Shitty, I know. But I was under the dilusion
that I could fix things, and she was all that mattered to
me. Why I was so blind, I don't know. I lied to my
parents, told them everything was okay. I lied to
everyone.

I guess when it came down to it, I didn't think much of
most people up there. I would tell them whatever came to
mind so that they wouldn't care where I was. They didn't
and I was fine with that. I guess that I'm happiest alone
when it comes to things like that. I don't want anyone to
know or even care when it comes to most things. I guess
that's why I've come here... just because I have to write
it and hear it for myself. My head is so fucked up
sometimes that I don't even have things clear to myself.
Can you blame me? I'm going to mess things up real bad one
of these days.

More to come.


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