Ad 2:
2001-11-04 05:39:38 (UTC)


tonight is a good night for writing. typing. whatever. i
wish that it was raining. i feel like rain.

i would rain for you.
if i could.
and i would take your arms, place them around me.
and whisper beautiful words.
that is all i have.
thats all that i can give to you.
you told me tonight
that you loved me.
that you wished you were more like me sometimes.
questions and concerns.
i just want to fix you baby
fix the pain i have caused you
and the pain you have caused yourself.
sometimes i think that i am not good for you.
others i think youd die if you didnt have me.
we killed ourselves long ago.
a kind of mutual agrement.
you gave yourself to me.
and i let myself go into you completly.
so many years ago.
so many fights and tears ago.
and youre still around today.
but i am not who i once was.
and im not going to lie for you
not this time.
not ever again.
holding hands and fidgeting.
you never fit me right.
and i never thought about that.
not until tonight.
and i realized that im not capable.
of the things and time that you have done.
im not capable of you.
and to hear you say.
what you did.
gave me peace within my crazy mind.
peace i never thought that i would need.
but peace that id needed. for a long time.
and maybe this is what you wanted.
or maybe just the opposite.
but either way
its ineveitable.
thats this.
this is just...it.

for you.
this is for you.
where you are now.
whatever stars are watching you.
i told them tonight.
to love you.
because i dont anymore.
i told them to hold you.
because i cant anymore.
and i told them
to tell you.
that you are beautiful.
and you are. you are.
youre a beautiful woman now.
a beautiful woman
i will never call.
i will never kiss.
and hopefully.
i will never see
and hopefully.
he feels the way i did.
about you.
we dont need to make amends baby.
you did nothing wrong.
i just forgot.
to do what was right.
so may your stars.
fill your dreams.
with all the happiness.
you deserve.
and may they realize what i did.
without you needing to say a word.

a year.
a year has gone.
and come again.
a year without you.
a year spent forgetting you.
a phone call from the past.
that phone call made me laugh.
your sentiment seemed so real.
that it made me feel further away.
than i really am from you.
i am not the girl you left.
i am not the girl you fucked.
i am not that girl.
not anymore.
i gave you my world.
and you shoved it back at me.
like i was nothing.
nothing to you.
and im not so proud to say.
that you fucked with my head.
my heart.
but now.
now that girl has died.
died in this year.
that we have spent apart.
and im glad that she has gone.
i had to learn.
how to be this strong.
and you know it really sucks.
because before you entered my life.
i didnt give a fuck.
about anyone.
and then there was you.
and you took me.
and cleaned me up.
and showed me beauty.
in me.
in the world.
and the pushed me back.
in that smut.
and i had to learn again.
a much harder way.
how to be okay.
by myself.
and now.
one year later.
all i have to say.
is thank you.

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