2001-11-04 02:47:20 (UTC)

Letter to a nameless intimate

I love you more than you know - more than myself, more than
family, more than life itself. I am never going to be in
tune with myself as long as you are absent in my life or
distant from me. I know that sometimes that can't be
helped, so when I see how well you do in my absence then I
think you must either be stronger, or I am simply the
lesser half of this spiritual relationship. Maybe my
strength is in my consistency of faith in not just us or
love - but, more importantly, in you. Nothing is too hard
for me to go through if it makes you happy for just one
second. I know I don't have to apologize for any
misunderstandings we've ever had because I know that you
know me better than that now - and I know that when we
search ourselves we both always did. I am sorry for
anytime that you might ever have looked in on my life from
afar or directly and seen me involved with someone else.
In my mind a perfect world would be me constantly committed
to you and you alone - and in my heart I know that my only
reality has indeed been just that. This world can be so
confusing and cold - people have often taken advantage of
my weaknesses for their gain at my expense. People have
often dictated the meaning of your absence to me and tried
to convince me that the real love I was seeking was
actually to be found through them. People have turned my
energy toward them in ways I wish were still reserved for
you alone. I am strong in so many ways - but isolation
makes me weak in this one respect. I am sorry if you ever
were hurt by seeing or hearing of me dating anyone else.
If you ever felt that it was not right - you are correct.
If you ever felt that I belong to you - you are correct.
If you ever felt confusion over why we are still apart now -
I am still yours for the claiming. I am not for anyone
else. I am yours to have. No obstacle could stand in my
way if you merely gave me the word. Although I've been
fooled before - the one constant I've always known is that
in this critical way I love you and you alone.

I just wish I could tell you...