interesting me
2001-11-04 01:43:27 (UTC)

The world in my eyes as I know it

Wow, after talking to a friend i decided to write you and
tell you how I feel. Its not the best. I almost swore I
was over my depression. I dont think I am. Its a scary
thing to me.

I have this empty space inside of me that cant be filled
until I forgive Charlie. I havent yet forgave Charlie for
taking his own life. And as much as I hate to say it, I
dont think I can. And until I forgive him that space
remains empty. This isnt an easy thing to admit for
me....I put on a front so I dont have to show people the
real me. I am afraid of being diagnosed as
being "depressed" again. That isnt easy for me. Its just
that I feel guilty and a bit responsible for Charlie not
being here. I carry this guilt with me everyday. Its
harder then hell to think that i could have done something,
the littlest thing and he would still be here. Yeah I feel
responsible, its not easy to deal with. And to think...oh
yeah I just saw him in town the day before and he was fine,
thats hard too. I guess life as we know it isnt exactly
supposed to be easy. But this? And why to such a good
person? This is my reason for hating drugs (if you read my
earlier entries). It does stupid things to you and makes
you think really stupid things too. This sure in hell isnt
the way I pictured my life going. I have a hard time with
that, and I know I keep saying that, but its so true. How
do I just up and forgive somebody for taking their own
life? Thats right you cant. You have to learn to forgive
and accept the fact that hes not coming back. Yeah
sometimes I still think Im gonna see him. ANd i know how
stupid that sounds. But I never really got to say "bye" to
him, or even an "until I see you again". Closed casket
funerals I have a hard time with. There is never really
closure. And after an experience like this, I see the
world in a whole new light. You realize that you never
really know whats going to happen, you dont know if they
will be here tomorrow to talk to the people you care about
or to love. So live each moment as if it were your last,
and let the people who you love, know that you love them.
You never really know if there is a "tomorrow"

Be good kiddies,

Andrew I love you,