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2001-11-04 01:04:27 (UTC)


Saturday, November 03, 2001 4:13:38 PM

I'm sitting here with Edgar roaming about the desk grabbing
tidbits from his dish of lab blocks.

I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to make it through

Will I manage this time until my protector comes homes?
She went to Reno to perform a wedding and I miss here so.
My best friend. My only friend, I know that now after the

She is visiting family now in Missouri. They called last
night and I got to talk to all my nieces. What fun. They
are growing like weeds from the sound of it and emails just
can't do justice to watching children grow. They had their
grandma with them after such a long time and as we talked
on the phone, I could here the laughter and shrieks of
delight from ages 2 to 16. The teens were showing Grandma
their pretty bras. Oh how time has changed. I remember
feeling grown up with the little pink bow centered so
daintily in the center of my white cotton bra. Now here's
a new generation showing off the blue and black satin to
their grandma.

Each lovely took time to talk with me on the phone, even
the baby who asked, "What are you doing up here?" Such
fun, my heart swelled with such pride at this tiny great-
niece who I have never even seen. She said, "I love you."
With coaxing from her cousins and giggled in glee when she
was tickled. From so far away I felt as if I were there,
playing the games, watching them grow. Oh how I miss them
all so. How I regret never seeing the baby and watching
her grow. I must admit I am still angry at times for my
brothers taking their families so far away. My oldest
nephew now married with a child of his own. My oldest
niece talking about cruising with her boyfriend. Another
niece assuring me, unsolicited, that she has a boyfriend
but is saving herself for that special someone.

It is good to know they still trust me with special things
like that. It is good to know that my fear of their
forgetting me was unfounded. Phone calls and the Internet
cannot compete with a hug, but technology serves a great
purpose in holding our family together and keeping us up to

Edgar has been put away and Jingle does his roaming about
the desk now. Jingle is a treasure for sure. To come over
occasionally and check on the tapping of my fingers. To
leave a character on the page with his tiny toes that
backspace hides. Climbing up my arm and down my shirt,
stopping for a moment to touch my nose and explore my
eyelashes. Then scampering back down my arm to find more
treats I've hidden about the desk.

But still with all these distractions, the talk radio
murmuring in the background about anthrax and war, the
sound of the traffic outside the window, the cat sharpening
her nails where she knows it's not allowed, the candle
burning on the edge of the desk always reminding me of the
flicker of life that I have to hold onto. All these lovely
distractions that prove that there is a world beyond this
little one I've created for myself, I still sit here and

Is he okay? His call, so hard to understand beneath the
drunken drawl. Such pain in his voice. His searching for
answers. The injustice the world has dealt out to him.
Can he stay he asked? Can he stay for a while to gather up
his strength again?

Of course. The couch is comfortable and the greyhound
finds him a worthy companion to share her favorite spot.
We are his place of refuge. His place of healing. We will
listen. We will understand. We will not preach. We will
not judge. We will never abandon. We know.

I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm lonely. I signed up under a
new screen name for a penpal. That will be nice if someone
responds. Someone I don't know. Someone who doesn't know
me. Someone I can talk to and share with. Someone who
cannot see the wonder in my eyes or the fear.

My candle is flickering out and I will light another when
the wisp of smoke wafts away.

Lavender Mace