Mal

Birthday

I turned 22 this week. God, the time goes so fast doesn't
it...keep thinking, what have I done and what have I to
show for it.

Anyway I got to escape this awful city for a few days and I
went back home. Feel like an outsider everywhere. Wonder if
anyone else has that? Saw some girls that were at school
with me, they have families now. I know I'll never have a
family, through choice mind you, I have strong feelings
about child rearing as well as lots of highly articulated
and random wonderings about the body, identity, and how it
could be affected by spitting out a new life. Is your body
your own after that? How do women cope? I've never been
around children or pregnant women. Those in my family that
have children only ever have only children. Those people I
do know that have had kids were at a great distance to
myself and so I'm none the wiser. Don't think it'll ever be
me. Besides, with my level of anxieties I'd be a neurotic
and self-absorbed parent. I'm getting distracted
now......anyway I weighed at home and I've lost half a
stone. I'm still far from small. But all of this dieting,
fasting is nonsense. I see that but I don't stop. Suppose
this is an addiction. Weird. My birthday was okay as
birthdays go, quiet, had some nice things. Had a small
spate of the birthday blues as I mentioned earlier, but I
was basically ok. It was so nice to spend time somewhere
that doesn't have concrete as far as the eye can see,
somewhere that's safe to walk. I had a hard time coming
back, didn't want to at all, but I'd left my significant
other here and so I came. He's been really sweet to me
these last few days, really complimentary and affectionate.
I'm just going to enjoy it...

My lovely pet rat is geriatric and sick. Been nursing her.
Much more attached to animals than to humans.

Bye for now.